Quote
"God put a harp in your soul, and He's the one that can get the music out of it." A. W. Tozer
That's a good thought for me today. This morning I woke up with the song, "Hiding In Thee," running through my mind. I haven't been singing much lately but today, the music was back.
"How often when sorrows like sea billows roll
Have I hidden in Thee, O Thou Rock of my soul."
Yes, I have needed that music to well up in my soul again.
February
There are things I love about February and I'm glad to welcome its arrival tomorrow. The best thing about February is the increase of light. By now the lengthening of the daylight hours is visibly noticed. We have a little more light on both ends of the day and that helps a lot. My house plants begin to perk up again in February, if they've made it through the dim winter days.
Often I use February as a nonfiction month. I always learn and grow, (I think), from my "fiction fast." However, I'm not ready to start it tomorrow. I have a book I have to finish first. When I get this book finished, I'll begin my nonfiction reading. It does me good!
A Spill
This afternoon as I looked out at my beautiful new blue birdfeeder, I saw that there has been a big seed spill underneath it. Since I wasn't watching when it happened, I have to guess that my little red squirrel used his paws to scoop lots of seeds out of the little feeding slots. I'll need to check that out later this afternoon. That would have been an interesting sight to behold!
Footprints in the Snow
This morning when I went to the car, I discovered dainty, deer footprints in the snow on the sidewalk. I mentioned once before that I'd seen the deer footprints in the snow of the side yard. The snow is deep there now. Now the deer are using the sidwalk which has been cleared of deep snow.
My back door neighbor told me that the deer come through every day. She sees it or them. But I have not had the privilege.
After I noticed the footprints on the sidewalk, I saw a young couple across the street. They were checking out the sidewalk there, too. "There's deer footprints on the sidewalk," I called to them. "They are here, too! Lots of them," came the answer. I said that my neighbor has seen the deer but I haven't, though I'd love to.
The man said, "I saw them in the parking lot once. I think you have to be looking for them around 4 AM." Aha! That's why I never get to see them. I'll probably never get to see them. But it was fun to see their footprints there in front of my house.
My Art Person
My art person, Carolyn, has seen the picture now and her advice is that I give the branches a little more shading to give it more of a three dimensional quality. I was thinking, too, that I need to bring the foliage up over the deer a little bit more, and she agreed. I needed to let it dry more. I can do that now. Basically, she liked the picture.
Mule Deer
No art person has visited me to give me advice. There are things about this painting that please me. I'm not sure if I should keep working on it or not. I think I should start something new.
Last Week
Last Sunday I had a lot of snow to get out of the driveway before I could get the car out for church in the morning. This morning, we still have most of that snow from last week but there hasn't been any significant amount of snow added. There is a slight skift of snow on the car now. I'll need 5-10 minutes to clean it off and warm it up and that's all I'll have to do to get it out on the road. I admit that I'm thankful that I don't have to do a big snow removal job this morning.
Mystery Woman
Have you watched Mystery Woman, a program on Hallmark TV? I've seen it a couple of times and I have enjoyed it. It was on again last night. Mystery Woman is the name of a bookstore. Like Jessica Fletcher, who writes mysteries, Samantha, who owns the bookstore, just happens to be drawn into an intriguing mystery each week. I like watching it.
Chinese Proverb
I came across this Chinese proverb today.
"Keep a green tree in your heart and perhaps a singing bird will come."
Lovely thought.
Singing bird reminds me that yesterday afternoon I heard a singing bird outside the library. I couldn't see it but I heard it. I loved hearing it.
Library
My Friday trips to the library are essentially to get a copy of the Friday crossword puzzle in the Wallstreet Journal. Our library is only open till 6 PM on Friday and I went yesterday at just before 5. That's a time when many families are at dinner, so there weren't many people in the library. The librarians are getting used to my routine Friday visits, but we didn't talk much.
Since I haven't finished my Martha Grimes book yet, though I'm getting closer every day and thought I might get it finished for yesterday, I didn't look for new books. However, I did browse through the audio books and took out two of them. I can listen to them while I paint or do household chores.
One of these books is by Beverly Lewis, who writes stories about an Amish family. I've read one of her books last year and enjoyed it. The other book is by Anne Rivers Siddon and is about the Outer Banks.
I have less than 100 pages to go now to finish The Blue Last by Martha Grimes. I hated to turn out the light and stop reading last night, but I was too sleepy. I should finish it today.
Take Out
I went to the library this afternoon. It wasn't as cold out by afternoon as it had been in the early morning. In fact, the sun was shining and the sun had warmed the car nicely.
When I left the library, I decided to stop at the Chinese Restaurant and get some egg drop soup and an egg roll to take home for my evening meal. I figured it would take a few minutes, so I took a book in with me and sat at an empty table and read while Mary got my order ready. It took about 10 minutes. It cost $2.12. I was so surprised. My toast and hot chocolate at Perkins on Sunday morning had cost more than that and this was a much more satisfying meal than that had been. I got a pint of soup! I have half of it for my lunch tomorrow. I'm glad I thought of doing that.
Giving In
I gave in to the cold this morning. There were things I did here in the house that needed to be done, but I think I should have been more disciplined and gone out even if it was cold. So now I'm going to be firm with myself and get my coat on and go out, even if it's only to the library. I know it's good for me to get out and make contact with people. Why does it take so much effort?
Here I go!
Morning Thinking
It's really cold again this morning. I'm glad to not have to go outside and clear snow away this morning. I'm thinking it might be too cold to push myself to do Aquarobics this morning. It's so cold in the locker room and when we return from the pool dripping wet, we all shiver with cold as we hurry to get dressed again. Some days it is hard to push through that kind of cold. Still, I do feel lots better after I get past the cold part and I'm dressed again.
I liked looking at my painting this morning. I wish I had an art person here to give me advice about how much to tweak the painting or to just leave it alone. I'm thinking I should buy lots more canvas panels and stay busy. But on the other hand, I've been thinking about doing this specific painting for months. Maybe I need to think about a specific painting more before I start working on it. So far I like this new painting although I'm sure there are some flaws which I should deal with.
Painting
I spent a lot of time today working on my painting. I don't know what to say about how it turned out. It's not an exact copy of the photo I took it from. It's just my attempt to use the blending of the colors in the background around the focal point. I have to quit painting for tonight. There's still more to do another day, --some areas to soften, some to bring out more clearly.
What did I paint? Well, Leslie, again I painted something that you had on your blog, -- the mule deer. Maybe if I didn't tell that it was from your blog, maybe you wouldn't recognize it. Eventually I'll have to let you see it. I knew it was a very ambitious kind of subject for me to try. The poor deer's eyes are not as good as I'd like them to be. The mottled background, and even foreground, is coming along quite nicely though. The deer is more prominent in my painting than in your photo.
Good, bad or indifferent, --I think it doesn't really matter what people think of the value of this painting. What matters is my act of painting. It was good for me to work on this painting today.
Squirrel, Again
Today the little red squirrel found my pretty blue weather proof bird feeder. He spent a lot of time investigating it. He brushed all the snow off the top of it and then went down to the lower level and went around and around checking out the four feeder holes. He poked his head into the holes but I couldn't tell if he was actually getting seeds or not. Then he started using his hands a little and I could tell he was munching. I was happy to see him feeding there. He didn't eat very much and he did no harm, and there was only him, no other creatures have come to the feeder for days.
I call the squirrel "him" because I really don't know if it's male or female. "He" is as good a pronoun as any when I don't really know.
Coming Alive Again
I know that I still have a long way to go and may never be really over the loss of my husband, but this morning I started to feel like I'm waking up again. Yesterday was a teary day from start to finish. Today I feel hopeful. I looked around and saw things that I really wanted to do.
I hadn't even been realizing that the inside of the microwave had become splattered but today I noticed. It felt good to be scrubbing it clean again. And that was the beginning.
I have started the painting. I have the canvas covered with paint, a background splotchy covering. It's a very different kind of painting for me. I feel good about trying this even if it turns out that I can't pull it off. If nothing else, I will learn something and I'll have more practice. I have this silly notion that everything I paint should be the best. However, I know that every dud I paint will help me learn more about technique and will move me closer to the desired best that I'm aiming for.
Early Morning
I was up this morning just before 6. It's another cold, snowy morning to get the trash to the curb. Since we never know if the men will come early in the morning or not till afternoon, we have to get it out early, just in case it's an early pick up. Some people set it out the night before but in nasty weather, I generally try to get it out early in the morning instead. As it turned out this week, the weather wasn't all that bad overnight. It's crisp and cold out there but I won't need to shovel this morning and I'm feeling good about that.
I apologize for commenting on my blog three times this morning, but I kept getting the message that it hadn't been accepted, and then when it finally went through, there it was three times! Sigh. Much ado about nothing.
Cold Feet
This is another evening when I'd tentatively planned to go to church and then got cold feet about it. About 5 o'clock, the temperature began to plunge again. It had been in the high teens and now is going back toward zero. And it started snowing. My friend called and said she'd decided that it would be better to stay home tonight and I had to agree with her. I really wanted to get out with people tonight but the cold and dark of winter gave me "cold feet" about going out this evening.
Groceries
Our local Save-A-Lot just moved into a store along the main route past our town. It's a bigger place and supposed to be a better location. They opened for business there one day last week. I didn't go there until today.
I just needed a couple things, --milk and bananas kind of deal. What a mob there was there! My quiet, easy to shop at store has turned into a crowded zoo. I'm sure it's temporary and after this opening week, things will calm down there again. But for today, I wish I'd gone to a different store.
War News
Waking up to the tragic news of the Marine helicopter crash near the Jordanian border this morning, is disheartening. My heart goes out to all those families who are being touched by this grief. It is terrible to think about.
At Last
I have finally started to work with my oil paints again. I didn't do much, --just some daubing on a painting that I did some time ago. I keep thinking I can improve it. But I should start something completely new. Maybe tomorrow I'll move on to a new painting. It does feel good to have the oil paints out again.
Nice Day
It has been such a nice day today. It's much warmer and there was no additional snowfall. Of course that busy snowplow went past our driveway and gave me a little wall of snow so I'd have something to do to fill my time. But it didn't take very long to get that taken care of.
The insurance agent came this afternoon and gave me advice concerning paying bills and how to organize them. I think I'm starting to understand how to work the finances now. That makes me feel better.
I may be able to reward myself with an oil painting session this evening. That will feel good!
Desy the Driven
Desy has a thyroid condition which causes her to be very hungry at times. She's taking medication each morning for it but she is often driven to find food. Every once in a while when I'm away from the house she finds something to eat on her own, something I'd rather she didn't eat.
Yesterday I brought in the jar of chunky peanut butter from the cold entry room off the kitchen. It's the peanut butter I have to make the birdcake that I put in the holes in the critter log. I expected to let it get warmed up and then I'd make the mixture in the afternoon.
When I got home from Aquarobics, I found that Desy had taken the jar down from the kitchen counter and chewed the plastic lid off of it and cleaned out most of the peanut butter. There's maybe half a cup left in the chewed up plastic jar. Fortunately, it wasn't a big jar. Amazingly, she didn't get sick from that binge.
A Fine Treat
My Taste of Home magazine for February-March arrived today. It has a section devoted to Chocolate Lovers for Valentines Day. It certainly looks inviting. Chocolate is my treat of choice.
Very Cold Weather
This morning AOL didn't have a reported temperature for our area. The extended forecast had said it would be in the 20s. I was thinking that if it was in the 20s, it really felt closer to zero.
When I went to Aquarobics this morning I saw that the temperature really was zero! Ah, I could feel it. Someone at Aquarobics told me that the temperature had dipped to minus 12 overnight. That's too cold for me!
Garrison Keillor in his program on Saturday talked to a man from a town where the temperature was minus 54. He told Garrison that if you have the proper clothing, going out in that temperature isn't a problem. So Garrison said, "You mean that there isn't really bad weather, there's just inadequate clothing." The man said, "That's about it." I suppose he has something there. I have proper clothing for temperatures in the teens but I need something better for below zero.
Leave Them Wanting More
My mom and dad used to sing duets in church when I was a girl. My dad never wanted to sing all the stanzas of the song because, he would say, "You don't want to over do it. You want to leave them wanting more."
That's what I'm hearing about Johnny Carson this morning, --that he knew when to quit. He knew how to leave them wanting more.
I have never been a fan of late night television but I know about Johnny and his reputation for humor and his sense of timing. I add my condolences to his family and friends. We were all sorry to learn that he died yesterday morning.
Startling Sentence
Is it just me, or is there something wrong with this sentence?
"An avid reader, he was a Steelers fan."
I read this sentence in an obituary. I didn't know this man, but I scan obits, and this sentence just jarred, I thought. Now, if the sentence had said that he read every article about the Steelers that he could get hold of, that would be a better sentence. Maybe he did and that fact is implied. Maybe I was a teacher too long.
Poor Man's Pie
I didn't make a pie in honor of my dad yesterday, but I made Poor Man's Pie while thinking of him this early evening. Dad liked elderberries, sweetened and thickened as sauce, spread warm on a slice of bread and then with milk poured on it. He liked applesauce that way, too, spread on bread and milk poured on it. He called it Poor Man's Pie, and it's relatively good as pie, --not totally as good, but good enough to be pinch hitter now and then.
I took some of my frozen raspberries and made a sauce out of them and did the substitute pie thing with them. It was pretty good, in its own way. I wouldn't want to do it very often though.
That Busy Snowplow
If it weren't for the snowplow socking the end of the driveway full of heavy, plowed snow, my work yesterday in the late afternoon would have been enough for this morning. But the snowplow came through, probably several passes, and there was that wall of snow a foot deep at the street and extending three or four feet into the driveway. It was the hardest shoveling I've had to do so far.
However, I do know about lifting with my knees and working slowly. I'm glad to report that I've had no ill effects from shoveling. It hasn't made me sore or given me aches nor pains. So, while it takes a lot of time that I would rather be spending indoors with a hot cuppa and reading something, it has probably been good for me to have had this exercise.
This morning while I was working outdoors, I heard an unusual sound for this time of year. It was geese flying by. There against the gray clouds in the sky was a flock of about two dozen geese flying overhead. My neighbor in the next block, Dan, was out shoveling also, and we both stopped what we were doing and watched the geese. How much we enjoy seeing God's creatures who share the world with us. I wondered about the geese. Were they late in leaving or early in coming back? I hope they will be OK.
Mario
This morning I was listening to the Canadian car talk guys and they had, as their special treat today, a phone conversation with Mario Andretti. One of the questions asked of Mario was, "Have you ever been pulled over for speeding and the cop asked you, 'Who do you think you are? Mario Andretti?'"
Mario said that hadn't happened to him but he was riding with a friend who was pulled over and the cop asked him that. His friend started to laugh and this angered the cop. "Oh, you think this is a joke?" he said, and he almost yanked him from the car. "No, no," his friend said. "It's funny because my passenger IS Mario Andretti!"
I think he got the ticket any how.
Small Highlights
There were four birds that I saw at my new blue feeder today. They were a group together. They found the food without any problem. The feeder is really a good weather proof thing.
I don't know what the birds were. There of them were black with white under bellies and the fourth was brown. They were definitely together and didn't seem to mind the snow and wind. I was happy to see them. I wished I had more to offer them but if I'd go out with something more, I'd just scare them away.
I think the storm part of the snowfall is over now. It's still snowing a lot but the wind has died down now.
Our Snow
Just as predicted, we are getting the snowfall that started some time during the night. The bad part about this snowfall is that it is very windy now and the wind is coming from the east. The wind makes it very nasty. I won't be working on snow removal until the storm calms down. Then, if the snow has gotten too deep, I'll call someone to help me. For now, I'm cozy enough, with things to do indoors. I don't have to go anywhere so I don't have to deal with the car and driveway until much later today, --to get it ready for tomorrow.
TV or Not TV
I read in the Erie morning paper that Garrison Keilor said that except for ball games, he hasn't watched TV for 20 years. That's astonishing. I wonder if that's how he can be so creative. He's kept his own mind freed up to continually develop his make-believe town and its people. I've got to think about this.
Shopping again
After Aquarobics today I went for groceries. It was time to stock up again on fresh things like salad greens, and staples, like cereal and cheese, and frozen things like chicken, and I also splurged on ice cream. I know it's too cold to eat ice cream right now, but surely there will be a warming trend soon and the ice cream will keep nicely in the freezer until that happens or until I dress warmly and brave the cold. It felt good to choose groceries again.
I shall have a lovely salad with my evening meal.
A No Shovel Morning
What a beautiful morning this is! The sun is shining and it looks great. There was no additional snow and all I have to do warm the car up a little before I head to Aquarobics. I hear that snow is on the way, but for now, I can rest the shovel!
Reminds me that once years ago when I was a hospital volunteer and visited an elderly man, he delighted to tell me that at his winter home in Florida he had hung up his snow shovel by the door and put a sign by it that said, "Rust in Peace." My husband loved that story and often told it. Apparently I enjoy telling it, too!
Tomorrow
I've been hearing that more snow is on the way and I find it easy to believe that is so. However, after I got the driveway clear and the car cleaned off today, it stopped snowing. My work of the morning still stands. The walk is clear. The drive is clear. The car is not covered in snow. I have hopes that tomorrow morning will find these things clear of snow, just as they are when I go to bed tonight. I have hopes that tomorrow I won't have to get up and dig out from under the snow.
But if I do have to, I'm going to be ready for it!
Valentines
While I was out and about this morning doing my across town chores, I stopped at our local candy-making place, The Ritz. It is across from the insurance office where I stopped to ask a question about something I needed to know about my health insurance.
At the candy store, I wanted to buy a half pound of coconut creams. They didn't have any out front and had to make up a box of them for me. While I waited, the owner of the store came out to talk to me.
After he gave me condolences, and I cried, and he hugged me across the counter, we started talking about Valentines. His store is all togged out beautifully in preparation for Valentines Day and I commented on it. He said that Valentines Day is the holiday that gives them the most opportunity for versatility in the things they make with the chocolates.
Then he told me that they get quite a few men who come in to buy Valentine candy for their wives and he'll hear them talking to each other as they wait to buy their gifts. He hears them say things like, "Yeah, I decided I should get the old bag something." At first he felt bad to hear them talk like that but then he finally began to realize that they don't really mean that. They have to talk to each other like that because they can't let themselves tell each other that they really love their wives. Most men can't do that.
He also told me that people don't relate to Valentines if they aren't done in red. Sometimes they'll go for pink. He bought some Valentine things in yellow and they were really beautiful, but the people didn't go for it because it wasn't red. Pink is almost OK, but red is what Valentines color should be.
It was an interesting conversation.
Not in the Union!
Yesterday after I did my morning snow removal, I went right to Aquarobics. I felt very warm. That kind of exercise really gets a person warmed up. I was surprised to find that my legs were icy cold to the touch. They felt warm enough from the inside. When I got into the water, the water felt really warm on my legs but when it reached my torso, the water felt really cold. That surprised and puzzled me until I remembered that my legs had felt cold to my touch and that's why the water felt warm to them.
I got to thinking then. Maybe I should try to wear something warmer on my legs. I remembered seeing a cardboard box marked "Long Johns" in one of the places my husband stored things he didn't use any more. I thought I could wear a pair of Long Johns when I go out to work in the snow. It would be big for me, but would probably be OK under my slacks and I wouldn't need to wear them when I was finished with my work.
This morning I faced the snow removal work again and eagerly got out the box, ready to suit up for my outdoor work. I was so disappointed to find that the box didn't contain Long Johns. It was two Union Suits! Well, that wouldn't work for me at all. I packed them back into the box and now I'm ready to put that box with "stuff" that I'll be giving away. Someone somewhere could make good use of them, but I'm not in the union!
Birthday
On this day 91 years ago, my grandma Emma gave birth to her youngest son, Neal, my father. Dad died four years ago, on February 25. After I moved away from home, it was difficult to celebrate Dad's birthday with him, because I was usually 100 miles away, more or less, and January weather would prevent me from traveling. Today would have been no exception. The weather was really nasty for travel today.
I've thought about this birthday throughout this day. I miss him. I miss being able to sing Happy Birthday to him, and probably even more, I miss hearing him sing Happy Birthday to me.
Tonight as I start to close down the day, I think again about my dad and his birthday this day. I think of Grandma Emma who died in 1963 and Grandpap Raymond, whom I never knew. I'm trying to think happy thoughts about the kind hearted, loving people they were, and the great heritage they gave me. I wouldn't mind having a piece of birthday cake for Dad right now, but I know if Dad were able to be with me tonight, he'd probably ask for a piece of birthday pie. That was his favorite dessert. "I only like two kinds of pie," he was fond of saying. "Hot and cold."
He also liked to say, "I only turned down pie once, --and that was because I didn't really hear what they said."
Yes, I miss him. I would so love to have birthday pie with him.
Evening
Linda came for dinner this evening and brought Chinese take-out with her. It was scrumptious! We had a good talk, about what's going on with us now, --she's having her kitchen remodeled and it's at the stage where everything is stripped out of the room, --and what we're thinking of doing in the near future. Linda's wondering if the weather will be good enough for her to travel over the weekend. It may not be very good.
After the meal, we had our choice of home made ginger snaps or a Klondike for dessert. What do you think we chose? I now have ginger snaps for later.
What a neat ending it was to our meal when I opened one of the fortune cookies and found a slip of paper with the statement, "You achieve great peace of mind when you talk with an old friend."
Still Snowing
I didn't work my plan! I didn't get back outdoors to shovel the snow this afternoon. I did, however, collect a lot of magazines and cardboard, and other trash to get out to the curb tomorrow morning. And I've had a good phone call and a caller at my door. Maybe I have a good excuse to not have done the evening shoveling. If it keeps snowing like this over night, I'll have to do a lot of snow removal in the morning! I might have to call in some help. I'll wait and see how much snow we really do get. And, I'm so glad this isn't rain!
And the Snow Still Falls
This morning snow was falling again. It's a finer snow now, just sifting down. It only took me about a half hour this morning to clear this snow away. I had enough time before Aquarobics to get gas in the car. I never like to let the tank get too empty before refueling but I especially don't like to let it get low in weather like this.
Since my lunch invitation was with a friend who lives only a couple of blocks away from me, I left the car at home and walked to her house. It was nothing like my late afternoon walk of Monday. The snow is deeper now and it took a little more effort to walk through it but the wind was much less and it didn't seem nearly as cold as Monday. It was, in fact, a good walk.
Lunch was wonderful: chicken and dumplings, tossed salad which included home greenhouse tomatoes that were truly superior in taste, and whipped jello dessert. We had good, encouraging conversation. We hope to get together on a regular basis now. It is much nicer to have meals with someone than to eat alone.
The snow is still falling. I probably should clear the end of my driveway again this afternoon when school has been dismissed. I probably should. We'll see.
A Good Day
It's been a good day. Oh, I had a couple of melt downs, but as far as I can tell, that's to be expected. I also was able to get it back together again and get on with some productive activity.
I injured my finger on Friday and I thought it might need medical attention. I tried to get it better by my own means but this morning I went to the Medical Center to see if I could get help. I thought it needed to be lanced but the doctor who saw me said that it's doing OK so far and to just keep doing what I'm doing.
From that visit to the doctor, I met another friend in the waiting room and came back home with an invitation to lunch tomorrow. That felt pretty good, too. But my finger still feels pretty sore. It will probably feel much better tomorrow.
Pleasant Interlude
I had a very pleasant afternoon! I was invited to an afternoon tea, and someone came to take me to the place. In spite of the cold temperatures, the sun was shining brightly and we saw much beautiful scenery as we drove through the countryside.
Tea and scones, a beautifully laid table, and warm and loving friendship!! I couldn't ask for anything more. We had such a nice time together.
We talked about our families, our pets, needlework projects and relaxed together. Thanks, friends, for giving me a gift of such a nice afternoon.
It's the Law
I heard on the news last night that it's the law that you may not leave your car running and unattended. You could be fined if you do this, even if the car is in your own driveway! It is too tempting to people walking by, especially when it's cold like it is now. They can see the car running and the key in the ignition and they find it too tempting to jump in and drive instead of walking in the cold.
This law was made to keep people from leaving their cars running while they go into a store for a few minutes, but, the announcer pointed out again, it can apply to leaving your car running in your own driveway. It does not, however, apply to using remote starters.
If I obey this law, I'll have to take a book with me and read till the car warms up before I can drive. It's taking a while to get the windows clear from the inside these cold, snowy days.
Foolish Errand
I felt that I had to get to the library this afternoon but I didn't want to "dig" the car out again. It snowed a lot more this afternoon. It seemed to me to be more of a bother to clean the car off and get it out on the road than it would be to walk to the library. It's roughly half a mile and I do like a nice walk in the snow. Besides, I had a letter to mail and this would give it a jump start to get it in the mail box as I went past the post office.
What a big mistake it was to walk today! I didn't realize how cold it was. It was 3 degrees! Going to the library, the wind was in my face the whole way. I was so tempted to turn around and come back but I hated to waste that effort that I'd already put into it. I saw the temperature when I neared the bank and I understood why I was so cold. I wasn't cold all over, just my forehead and eyes, and my fingers, because I'd taken my glove off to try to snap shut the hood part around my throat. When I got to the library, I was feeling pretty foolish for making such a treck in the weather we had today.
I took my time browsing, until my fingers were no longer in pain. I confess, I was hoping that someone who knows me would come in to the library and would offer to take me home. But there weren't many people in the library. (Wonder why?) Just before 6, I felt warm enough. I bundled up tightly, snapped the hood under my chin before I started out and set out in the dark world where snow was still falling. I knew it would be easier going home because the wind would be at my back.
There was very little traffic. The sidewalk was snowed over and it was hard to see where it was and where the road started. I set off walking when a vehicle approached me and stopped right beside me. Could it really be an offer of a ride home?
It was. It was one of the nurses from our hospital, one of the dear ones who had hugged me and cried with me when my husband was in hospital in December. She asked if I wanted a ride home and I had to say yes. I couldn't shake off her help when I needed it so much.
After I got into the vehicle with her, I asked how she knew me. I was bundled up so much, I didn't think it was possible that people would know me. She said she hadn't recognized me until after she stopped but she knew that anybody out in this weather would need some help. She said she was really glad to help me. I confessed that I'd been foolish to walk to the library today and gratefully accepted her help. She said they didn't need any more patients in the hospital today. I agree!
I thank God for providing me with a ride home even though I'd been very foolish to set out on foot across town in the kind of weather we are having today.
Welcome Home
This morning when I got home from Aquarobics, as I was pulling into our driveway, I saw Rusty there at the living room window, happily greeting me. I thought I'd closed the door into the living room but I apparently hadn't got the latch closed tightly. I keep him out of the living room when I'm not there because he gets excited when he sees other dogs and he knocks plants over at the windows.
In December, I had taken the plants off the chest in front of the window and we'd put the Christmas tree there. I took it down a week ago but I hadn't put plants on the chest again, so there sat Rusty, on the chest, ever so happy to see me parking the car in the driveway. I was just glad that I'd not put the plants back there again. It was nice to be welcomed home.
Today is a special day for Rusty. It was three years ago on this day that we brought him home to live with us. We were both glad that we adopted him. Marlin was as eager to talk about Rusty as I am. Rusty's a dog with a big personality. I'm glad to have him welcoming me home after I've been away.
Revised Opinion
When I went out to clear my walk and driveway, I had to change my opinion of how much snow had fallen. It was more than it appeared to be as I looked out of my window. It was probably at least six inches of snow, but it is light, fluffy snow and it was easy to use the shovel as a little snow plow and push it aside. It took me about 45 minutes and was very good exercise for me. I remember my husband saying about our winters, "God knows I need exercise and he gives me this exercise program." He always seemed to enjoy doing the snow removal when he was able to.
Snowy Morning
There's a lot of snow here this morning. I don't think it's as much as had been predicted, but it's pretty much. Since there's no school today for Martin Luther King Day, the snow plows haven't been out and about in my area though I'm sure they've opened the main roads.
It shouldn't be hard for me to clear my porch steps and sidewalk, or to get my car out of the driveway. When the snow plow does come, though, I could have a task clearing away the snow from in front of the driveway. I'd better get on with my morning and find out how much snow I do have to move before I can get out to Aquarobics and also for my allergy shots.
My new blue UFO bird feeder
This is my new blue UFO bird feeder. I have seen a bird couple check it out and eat from it this morning, so I know that the bright color won't scare birds away. I need to spend more time with bird books so I know who it is that I see out there at the feeder. These two were very small woodpecker like birds that can walk upside down on tree trunks and branches. I loved seeing them.
Snow Again
We're having a good bit of snow here this afternoon and evening. I decided not to attempt evening church, since the snow is coming down so industriously and it's cold and dark outside. I miss going, but I'll get back to it when the weather is better. I did get to church this morning. I even got to play for choir one last time. Well, maybe I can go back every now and then and play the piano for them if they still need me. I hope that will work out some times. It's one of my pleasures, playing for the choir.
An Afternoon Pep Talk
I noticed that Dr. Wayne Dyer was going to be on PBS this afternoon and I watched him for a little while. He really is inspirational. He was doing his fund raiser talk about the Power of Intention. His talk reminded me of the focus I need to be making on finding God's purpose in my life for today, for right now. He says that when you find God's purpose, you are really "inspired." He said, "Look for ways that you can serve others."
I needed to be reminded of those things today. Right now it would be so easy to focus inward and not look for purpose. I needed to be reminded of my connection to my Creator and allow His divine purpose to be worked out in my life.
I feel calm this afternoon. It's a better afternoon than yesterday was. I am healing.
Mary Ann
Our morning newspaper carries the obituary for Dr. Mary Ann Kibbler, who died at the age 103. She was a remarkable woman. Although I didn't know her personally, I admired her. She started out as a nurse, and worked in the offices with her father-in-law and husband. When he husband died in 1951, she went back to school to become a doctor. She specialized in nutritional therapy and advocated holistic and natural methods of healing.
In addition to being a doctor, she was elected mayor of Corry at the age of 72. In those days, I often saw her around Corry, usually walking. She was doctoring patients even into her 90s and had only moved away from Corry several years ago. She was living with a sister in Maryland. She will be remembered with fondness.
Bedtime
Now it's bedtime. It wasn't a fun day, but I made it through to bedtime and I'm tired and sleepy. I'm hoping to have enough covers on the bed tonight. It's hard to sleep if you're not warm enough.
And, I did get a few more chores taken care of. I received word today about more donations that were made to Hospice as a memorial for my husband. I wrote to these people this evening.
It's time to begin my bedtime routine. Good-night.
Shivering
I've been shivering in the house all day. I knew that the temperature had fallen drastically after being so warm on Wednesday. But I didn't know how cold it had become. Finaly, I checked the temperature and was dismayed to see that it's 18 degrees in Erie. That's cold enough for me.
Then when Garrison Keilor came on, he told us that in Minn. it is now -17 degrees! It sounds like I have nothing to complain about. We're still pretty high above zero.
Then Garrison went on to say that it's not the official temperature that he's giving. He said it's much lower than that but if he would tell how low it really is, no one would come to Minn. So they pad the number a bit.
Maybe I need a second sweat shirt on! That sounds like a good plan.
Puttering Around
A problem that I have with facing this empty house is that we never had a plan for this. Even though he was sick, even though I feared that he was dying, it seemed like it was going to be down the road a long way. Not now.
I never thought to ask my husband what he thought I should be doing next. So we didn't make a plan. I just know I have to get things settled up and get on with today and tomorrow. There's so much to do, but I can only do it a little at a time.
So, today is my first day to get on with it alone. And I'm puttering around. I've tidied up some more, read my Martha Grimes book now and then, made up the guest bed again, sorted through more things.
I must develop a plan to deal with this time that I have, time that has no obligations for me to do. Monday will be OK. The morning will be full of things to do. Meanwhile, today I'm just puttering.
How Did This Happen
When I brought in the morning newspaper, I looked in the mail box to see if the paper boy might have put the local paper in there. The mail box was full of mail from yesterday! We never brought in the mail from yesterday. I've always been so interested in mail, but now I look for e-mail instead. I was at Aquarobics when the mail came, and I never thought about looking for mail when I came back home. So today, I get mail twice!
Copying the Puzzle
On Fridays, I go to the library and have the puzzle copied out of one of the newspapers they receive. Today when I went, I found that newspaper to be slightly wet, like it had been soaking up rain at the bottom edge. I found the puzzle, and the librarian copied it for me, and to my dismay, the place where the paper was damp didn't copy well. It came out as a dark blur. Why would wet paper make the copy blur? The librarian copied it a second time, using a lighter setting, and it was more readable but still sort of blurred at the bottom of the puzzle. I suppose there is a logical explanation. I probably should have waited and gone back tomorrow when the paper had dried.
Intercom
It's the little things that suddenly ambush me and turn on the tears. One of those ambushes happened today when I used the intercom to call my son to dinner. He was up in the study, where my husband usually was when it was meal time. We had a code. I would give three beeps on the intercom buzzer and that would mean that the meal was ready. He'd respond with two beeps, then he'd come downstairs.
So when I beeped to tell my son that the meal was ready, emotions ambushed me and reminded me of the many times we had done these nightly routines.
It's a little thing, but it packs quite a zinger.
A Good Start
I slept well last night and woke early this morning. Although the bed was cozy and comfy, I felt ready to get up.
It was fun to go out to the dark entry way to the dog pen and turn the light on and light up my dark world.
As I look around this morning, I think I can see some progress I've made. I've got most of Christmas tidied away. I think I'm starting to be in control again, at least a little bit. But then, how much are we ever in control? Not as much as we'd like to think we are!
End of Day
With the darkening evening, the rain started again. It has poured relentlessly since about 4:30. After days of cold, clouds, damp, drizzle and pouring rain, it's beginning to wear on me. I must do something to guard against this slippage. In the Bible I read that David encouraged himself in the Lord. People all around me try to encourage me, but in the final analysis, I have to find my encouragement the way David did. I must do what I can to encourage myself and thank God for each blessing.
Today has been good in many ways. So, here goes:
- My roommate from college, Arlene, called me. We had a very comforting talk.
- My son got the entry way lights connected and it's such fun to turn them on and go out there in the light! I think I said that already, but it bears repeating.
- We had a short walk at noon today.
- I got all the trash and recycle stuff out to the curb before the trash collectors came early this morning.
- There was no rain this afternoon!
- We enjoyed a meal in a restaurant today.
- I have completed the sorting of roughly 90% of the sympathy cards. They are lovely and have comforting personal words and verses.
- I had good news about donating the secretary's minutes for the Retired School Employees to our local historical society. I'll have to explain this one a little. When we decided that we could no longer have monthly meetings with officers and a program, we thought about asking the library for a place to archive our secreatiral minutes which go back about 30 years. They have mentions of many of our teachers who were prominent citizens of our community and these accounts of their retirement activities and achievements are very interesting. My husband said that it would be a mistake to put them into a library because when libraries need more room, they get rid of their old stuff. He suggested that we try to give them to the Historical Society. Today I learned that the president of the society was very pleased, even excited, to receive these interesting notebooks. I just wish I could tell Marlin what a good idea he had.
Since that last one took up so much space, I think that's a good place to stop. Those ideas have cheered me up.
Working
Today we got a few more important things accomplished. Some were of a legal nature and some were chores around the house. It feels good to have these things done.
It didn't rain this afternoon, but it's raining again this evening already. Any how, when it didn't rain and the temperature was mild, my son decided to work in the kitchen entry area and wire in the lights. He got that job finished. When it was time to take the dogs out to the pen after dark this evening, it was wonderful to turn on the light there and see well as I walked through the entry room to the dog pen door. It's a major accomplishment and I'm happy to have it so!
Tears
From the book, A Decembered Grief, by Harold Ivan Smith:
"Jesus, help me to grieve well today. I seem to be crying a lot. I always seem to be apologizing for crying. My tears seem to make everyone uncomfortable. But it's not as if I have an on-off switch. One minute I'm fine; then, out of nowhere, the floodwaters ravaging a small creek bed, the tears sweep over me. Can I at least know that I can cry around You and not have to apologize?"
I know I don't need to apologize when I cry, yet I do say, "I'm sorry." It just feels like I have to say something and we're used to saying, "I'm sorry," about things that we can't help.
The thing that speaks to me in this excerpt is that the tears come over me unexpectedly and often over very little memory triggers. How accurate this observation is.
I do feel that it's easier to cry alone and I know that God understands my tears.
Spammed!
Well, I've joined the ranks of those who were spammed. Now we'll have to remove those spammed entries and put up a code to make the blog safe from spammers. I'm sorry to have to do that because it makes commenting a little more complicated, but now we know that the blog needs some protection. Thanks for understanding about the code.
Morning Mist
It rained through the night and the constant dripping outside my bedroom window wakened me around 4:30. I thought it was the dog making the noise and then realized that she was sleeping soundly. The noise bothered me and kept me awake till 6. And then I slept. So now I am out of sync for the morning. I've changed my plans for the morning in order to try to get myself back together again.
When I did get up this morning, I saw that it was foggy. It must have been hard for drivers to see through the early morning mist. Now it's dripping wet and visibility has cleared. It's a very dull morning and I feel very dull, too.
Calendars
I did that research about which old calendars I could use this year, and then I forgot all about calendars and time. I just realized today as I looked at the calendar on the bathroom wall, that I'd never changed it from the old year to this new year. In fact, I barely noticed New Year's Day, although I've been writing the the new year's date on letters and checks. It just didn't sink in. Time has really been standing still for me, but now I think it's beginning to be time again. I'm starting to notice that January is almost half gone. I took down the old calendar and put up a new one.
Weatherproof Bird Feeder
This afternoon while we were out, we looked at bird feeders that should not get buried beneath the snow. My son convinced me that I should get one to see if the birds will like it. The one I have lets the snow build up around the opening for seeds and the birds can't get at it and I can't keep opening it up for them.
So we now have this really pretty blue globe hanging out there on the arbor. There is protection over the seed openings. But so far, I haven't seen a bird there. I hope the bright blue color won't scare them away.
Putting Christmas Away
Yesterday I took down my little Christmas tree that my daughters-in-law had put up for me. I didn't do anything to put it up except locate the boxes of Christmas ornaments in the cellar.
It's more fun to put up the tree than to take it down. But since I didn't do anything to decorate the tree, it was interesting to take it down, --to look at the ornaments which have a meaning to me and that I hadn't seen for a long while.
I wrapped them up in tissue paper carefully and packed them away neatly. But I didn't sweep up the glitter. That's a task for this morning. Then I have to sort through the Christmas cards again and do something with them, and then I'll have Christmas put away.
Who Are You?
This morning when I went to Aquarobics, there was a woman in the locker room, already wearing her swim suit, and sitting on the end of the bench. She immediately began talking to me about my husband. She looked vaguely familiar but I couldn't place her at all. I answered her questions and we talked, but I couldn't figure out who she was.
Then Marge came, and Arlene, and Marge introduced the new woman to Arlene and me. And that's when I finally realized that this was a woman who had been in the choir at the Columbus Church when I first went there. She took a job soon afterward and dropped out of church activities altogether. I really did know this woman, but I did not recognize her there at the Y. I admitted this to her and she said, "Well, I'm a little older now." (Her hair was fixed differently, too!)
I'm really bad at recognizing people in different settings. I'd have known her if she'd come back to choir but I didn't recognize her in a bathing suit at the Y. It's getting to be embarrassing how I don't recognize people when I see them in a different setting than where I'm used to seeing them.
Now, who's that person in the mirror? Have we met? Has she combed her hair recently?
Who's Calling, Please?
This afternoon I got a phone call from one of my Indiana cousins!! I don't remember Rick and Doris ever calling me before but today was a good time for them to talk to me. I thought at first that they were calling because of Marlin's death, that someone had told them. But they hadn't heard.
They had just come across a letter I'd sent them in 1997 in which I had said I'd like to talk to them about memories of Grandma Emma because I thought they would know things about her that I didn't know or had forgotten. They didn't respond then, but today they found the letter again and decided to call me.
Rick said, "I think I was meant to call you today." In spite of the sadness, it was a good phone call. They told me that Art, their oldest brother, had died earlier this fall, of chronic heart trouble. He'd been dealing with it for 10 years. I was sorry to hear that. But the rest of the conversation was good.
I'm so pleased that they called today.
Morning
It's another rainy morning. The snow plows have been out, getting roads open for school. It must be close to freezing temperatures. The snow isn't melting very fast. The roads right here are clear but I heard sirens around seven and I think there may have been an accident nearby. I think the roads were more slippery earlier this morning.
There's lots to do here today. It was good to have yesterday to be more relaxed and do some resting and reading. Last night we watched Diagnosis Murder, Dick Van Dyke's show. My son hadn't seen it before and it was a show that I either hadn't seen or didn't remember, so it was fun to watch. I think Dick Van Dyke must have had a blast playing both a doctor and a detective in that show. He really brings a lot of enjoyment of life into his work. It's fun to watch his show because of his own enjoyment of what he's doing.
Beginning Again
I went back to Sunday services today, for the first time. It wasn't easy. I had to leave the service and come home this morning. It was just overwhelming and I couldn't take it.
I went back again tonight, wondering if it was going to be OK or not. Of course, I cried again, but not as hard this time. And then they announced the hymn,Christ In Me, the hymn that we sang at the funeral service. I just left the sanctuary and went to the church library and stayed there till the song service was over. I picked out a book about good grandparenting while I was there, so it was a profitable time. I was OK then for the rest of the service.
It's supposed to get easier.
Current Events
Today's funny papers has Zoe in Baby Blues telling her mom that she needs a "current event" for school. I haven't thought about "current events" for years. It took me back to the days when I needed a current event for a class. But that's about all I remember. I think it would be on a Friday that I would need one and everyone in the class was expected to bring one. It seems like it should have been a social studies kind of assignment. I have only the vaguest of memories of ever having my students bring in a current event. If I did it at all, it wasn't a routine assignment.
What is the purpose of having students bring a "current event" to school? Is it to make them aware of newspapers? Current events were always from the newspaper. Today, do students bring current events from computer online sources? Do they ever accept as a current event something you heard on radio or TV news? Would a comic strip clipping ever be a "current event"? I think this morning's Baby Blues strip would be a good "current event".
Pleasant Evening
I had a pleasant evening of watching Jackie Gleason, reading, and munching popcorn and some chocolate. And of course, the Friendship Tea. The snow plow has been to the school parking lot to prepare it for the Sunday morning church services at the Lutheran Church. Desy and Rusty are resting up after having visiting dogs, Blaise and Tyme, here for a few days. I'm catching up on the thank you letters. I keep opening cards with beautiful letters in them and I want to reply.
It's soon bedtime. I'm starting to feel sleepy.
Guess What Was On Sale!
I just made a little trip to the store nearest me to get milk for the weekend and I saw that Klondikes were on sale, two packages for $6. I splurged! Klondikes are high on my list of desirable foods. Klondikes and I go way back, to when they were a dime a piece. I haven't had a Klondike for a long time now but soon I will! I'm going to enjoy it. And just think! I saved $2!
(I'd have saved a lot more if they hadn't been on sale.)
I've puttered away the whole afternoon, just doing quiet, gentle things that need to be done. I haven't gotten very far along in my journey but I've certainly taken steps.
I've accumulated more things to return to people. I've put dinner on to cook. It's incredible how cooking meets a fundamental need for me. I can feel a kind of joy while preparing food. I've prepared my tithe check for church tomorrow and I recorded it correctly in my computer records.
I've made my tea and will soon be ready for a cuppa. I pared and ate one of my Matsu apples. It was a real treat.
And I haven't sat down with my books yet. That will come though. One son went home this morning, another son will come this evening. I'm doing OK with this alone interlude between having someone here. I shall learn to cope with this. There's many good things to notice and enjoy. Meanwhile, having family here is good.
Friendship Tea
It's time for me to make Friendship tea again. I haven't made it for months and months, and I used to always have a container of it made up. It's a simple mixture of instant tea, lemon Koolaid powder, Tang and cinnamon and cloves.
I haven't had it for so long,---I'm so ready to have some this afternoon.
Mother Nature Again
This morning we had more rain/snow mixture. It was so close to the freezing point. Since it's not a school/work day, the road plows weren't doing the side streets yet. The roads were slippery.
My son took me to the plaza to buy some fruit from Frank Sabol who comes every two weeks. The roads were passable though caution was needed to drive on them. I got some Matsu apples, four grapefruit, some walnuts and a nut log.
After we had lunch, my son and his family loaded up their belongings and headed for home. It had started snowing wonderfully, big, fluffy flakes. Sarah built a snowman before they left. They expect to drive out of the snow about 30 miles south of here.
It's very quiet here right now, but I have quiet things to do to fill up the afternoon. I still have many thank you letters to write, and more sympathy cards to open. And, lots of sorting to do.
Meanwhile, Mother Nature has made the landscape look like Christmas again.
Comfy and Cozy
Today after my library visit, I went with my son and his wife to Walmart. They picked up some groceries for dinner and I was looking for a couple of other things. I didn't find one of the things I was looking for but I saw a soft, fleecy house coat on sale for $13. I've been looking for something like this. I bought it. It's exactly right to wrap up in it on a cold winter evening and curl up with a good book or an interesting TV program. I'm wearing it now. I'm glad that I found it.
Library Afternoon
This afternoon I took some time out to go to the library. I didn't get to the library at all last week. I have been getting a copy of the Wallstreet Journal crossword puzzle which is published on Fridays. I hunted up last week's puzzle and today's and got copies of both. I should have time to work on crossword puzzles in the evenings again.
I also got a Martha Grimes mystery. My son-in-law introduced me to this writer and I've enjoyed her books a lot. I think this is a rather recent book.
I met a former colleague while at the library and we got to chat for a while. We talked about things in general and also about the hard time I've been through, but it was a comforting chat.
It was good for me to get back to the library today.
A Lull
Today the weather is much nicer than it was all day yesterday. The roads are bare and the snow is crisp. There's sunshine, too. Kids and teachers have assembled for school again today. It seems like it's going to be an ordinary school day again today.
However, I'm hearing predictions of a winter storm heading across the United States. It's getting started in the West. Maybe it will get stalled along the way and never reach us. It would be nice to not have a severe winter storm here just now. But for today, the weather is beautiful and we are pleased to have it so.
New Phone
One of the things that my sons did for me recently was to buy me a new phone. It came as a set of two, one for upstairs and one for downstairs.
I wonder how long we'd had our old phone. It was our first portable. Somewhere along the way it needed a new battery but we never got it one. We expected it to get charged by being on the base, and it did, but it still needed the new battery. If I walked around to various parts of the house while talking on it, there were places where it would get into pockets of noise. It was doing it more and more, and we think it may have been because of it needing the new battery.
So now the two phones and we set it up to have caller ID. What fun that is! I've certainly enjoyed the use of the new phones.
A Good Guess
I was right in my guess that school would be called off for today. I just knew that the back roads wouldn't be very good with the icy conditions that I'm seeing here in town. Our school people hate to call off school for any reason. They like to protect the holiday time. This snow day will have to be made up during a scheduled vacation day and no one will be happy about that.
Bad Weather
I woke this morning to really yucky weather. It snowed last night and was putting down a really nice blanket of "new fallen snow" but it was on top of soft, mushy water soaked ground. Then toward morning, the falling snow turned to rain, --freezing rain. So we have crusty ice over slushy snow and on the roads it's churned up slush that is just a tiny bit away from being frozen.
Remember when Mom used to say, "What if your face would freeze that way?" when we pouted, well, I'm thinking if the slushy stuff on our roads and walkways would freeze that way, we would be in for some tough problems. I got the stuff cleared off from my porch steps and walk way, because I feel concerned about it freezing there and then I'd have trouble getting it off. I also want it to be better for the mailman. He has enough to go through without worrying about porch steps covered with icy slush.
School has been delayed for two hours today. I'm expecting that it will be called off altogether. Wait and see.
Aquarobics This Morning
I did get to go to Aquarobics this morning. The water was fine and it felt good to be doing exercises again. I didn't get to do the aerobics exercises as I used to do. After being away from it for about a month, I know I need to get back to it more gently. But it did feel good.
Also, it was good to be back with the 'pool gang.' We've entered a close friendship. I missed them and it was good to know that they missed me.
I was also ready to get back home right after the class was over. But it's a start and I'm glad that I got to make that start this morning.
Cement Mixers
In our area, there is a fleet of cement mixers which all have been given a name which is painted on their front bumpers. They are bright yellow trucks. When I see one of them, I always look to see the name, if it's at all possible. I get a kick out of seeing these names. Here are the ones I've collected:
- Concrete Cowboy
- Jumbo
- Tuffy
- Yellow Rose
- High Roller
- Kool Kat
- Gambling Man
- Mama's Boy
- Mountain Man
- Big Mama
- Solid Gold
- Morning Star
- Ramblin Life
- Runnin' Late
- Old Yeller
- Renegade
- Trail Boss
- Rock 'n Roll
The same company also has dump trucks which are also named:
- Day Late and a Dollar Short
- Shake Rattle and Roll
- Iron Rebel
- Tin Angel
- Heavy Metal
- Kwik Trip
- Born to Lose
- Rough Neck
After seeing these trucks in our area, it's so tame to see cement mixers in other towns and they are just plain working units with no personality.
My Dream
This afternoon I had a nap and dreamed an interesting dream. My husband and I had gone to a new place and I think it was to check it out to see if it would be a good place for our church seniors group to visit. It was a museum kind of place with many rooms, one leading into another, almost like a maze.
At one point he and I went in different directions. I went into some darkened rooms, turning on lights as I went. The rooms were so interesting to me. I could see through a window of one room that there was another room set up like an old fashioned kitchen and I wanted to go into it.
Then a group of employees of the place came and told me I would have to leave. I thought it was closing time. I started to go back through the rooms the way I had come but they stopped me and said I couldn't go there. I said I'd left my husband there and I wanted to go to him. They said I couldn't. That I'd have to leave now and meet him somewhere else.
There was a line of people leaving and I had to join that line. We were heading past a place where some people were taking money from some of the people. I thought we had paid when we came in but I wasn't sure. I didn't know what to do about paying on the way out. I felt sort of lost and bewildered and on the edge of being frightened. Then I woke up gently.
I felt good about the dream. I felt that it told me that Marlin is apart from me but busily occupied in something interesting. I don't know what the soul does in the presence of the Lord, except that I know there's worship and that's very satisfying. And I felt that the dream about my part shows me that I'll be turning on lights in darkened areas of my life and exploring interesting things on my own.
I do know that a dream is often a dream and nothing more, but I know that every once in a while a dream opens a door of insight for me. I think this was giving me a bit of insight which was helpful for me.
Morning Dawns, White and Beautiful
I woke up this morning to a world of white again. After several days of rain, rain, rain, with a few hours of no rain scattered throughout, this morning our rain has turned to snow.
Actually, I'm forgetting that yesterday there was no rain. We were able to go to the cemetery for the final rites and not have to use umbrellas. The ground was very muddy and my shoes are now a mess which may not clean up well. But the weather was mild, not warm, but mild. I tried to look at the beauty of the trees. Trees without leaves have a beauty all their own. I love seeing their structure.
How good it is that we had rain while friends and family were traveling and now, this morning, the snow. But of course, there are still people who must travel today, for one reason or another. I do hope they will not hurry, --will not take chances.
The poet says, "Into each life, some rain must fall." People who live in the snowbelt will have some snow fall, too. Snow can be beautiful . In spite of its cold treachery, snow can be a blanket which does good for the lawn and plants in the flower beds. It provides something much needed and then gives way to spring. I think I'm glad for snow this morning.
Closure
The service today was unnecessary for me, but I planned it for our family and friends in our home town area. It was very difficult for my husband's brother. He feels very lost without his brother. He was leaning on my husband, instead of letting his own children help him. Now he must turn to them. They really want to help him.
The hardest part for me today was at the grave site. My parents and my uncle are right there, too. It's a sad place for me. I was able to do my speech in the services, but I couldn't keep from really bawling at the cemetery. I don't mean gentle sniffs and dabs at my eyes. I mean gasping for breath sobs that came from deep in my lungs. My grandson, Samuel, held my hand and my brother held me close and I bawled.
Afterward, my aunt asked me to come to see her before I headed home. She said she was exactly my age when her husband died, 12 years ago, also in January. She thought she could help me in talking about it. At least, she could let me know some things that have helped her.
My son took me to her place in the afternoon and we looked at pictures and talked about hard things that we've had to bear but also the good and comforting things. It was good to talk to her like that.
And then we made the trip back to my home, where I found an enormous stack of sympathy cards waiting for me! These cards are very beautiful, with encouraging and comforting words for me. One was a letter telling me what a blessing my husband had been. I shall be looking over these cards again and again. Thank God for these wonderful friends.
Why I Had to Speak
I had both practice and example to help me do a eulogy. A friend spoke at his mom's funeral service and I was so impressed with what a beautiful gift it was and that no one would care if there were lots of tears. I determined to do it for my parents. When our service for Dad was being dismissed, my Dear Mom poked me and said, "I have something to say." I had to go to the pastor quickly and tell him that Mom wanted to speak, too. She was so brave in telling of her love for Dad and the good life they'd had together. I knew I had to do it for my husband, too.
Eulogy
Thanks to all who have been praying for us, I was able to take my part in the funeral service today and do it as I had hoped. When I said I wanted to be able to say something about Marlin, people told me that I certainly didn't need to do that, that no one would expect me to do that. But I had this inner drive, this urge pushing me to do a part in the eulogy.
I didn't really try to sing the songs. I know music can do me in so I just listened. I waited for my turn. When it came, I felt calm and able to talk. It felt so right. I was able to tell some things about Marlin that people could relate to. And then my son added his part and he did a wonderful job of it. I was so proud of him. I got up and hugged him as he came back to his seat.
Then one by one, there were others who stood up and told something of their special memories or experiences with him. It was really very, very good. Marlin was an encourager. Person after person spoke of the encouragement he had given them. There were many pastors in the service and afterward, one of them said, "This was a areally good service to uplift pastors in their work in the ministry." It showed that there are people all around them who may not be saying much about it but they have been helped by their pastor and encouraged by his personal attention.
I'm grateful that I could offer my words as a gift of myself, to those who were in the service and as a last gift for my husband.
So Much Blessing
Today was one of the hardest days of my life and yet there was so much blessing. There was pretty much a constant stream of people coming to offer condolences but it wasn't a crush of people. There were times when the line waiting to talk to me wasn't very long. I heard so many stories about what my husband meant to people and I treasure each one.
The afternoon was hard because it was long and it was hard to stand that long. One's feet protest a lot. I tried to sit down but then I was too low and it was hard to receive hugs from people when they had to stoop so low to me. So I stood again. At the end of the afternoon session, I told Cassie, the funeral director on duty, that I would bring a high stool from home because then I could perch on it and give and recieve hugs and rest my feet. Now get this, Cassie is one of my former students, from when I taught third grade. My former students are showing up in many walks of life these days. There were several others who came through the line, -grown up people now living lives that I am proud of, proud that I can say, "You're one of mine!"
But I digress. Cassie said that they had that kind of high stool somewhere and she'd locate it and have it ready for me for the evening. And there it was when I got back. It was perfect. I was perched high and rested my tired feet and was perfectly able to hug all who offered me hugs. Just about everyone did.
In the evening, I was able to focus on the people who came. My brother stood near me and I did my best to introduce him to the people and tell him something of interest about each one who came. I was able to ask them about the things going on in their lives, and it was good. When I focused on my loss, I cried a lot. When I focused on what they are doing now, I was able to talk without tears. Everyone has something going on in their lives that they need to talk about and it was good for me to hear it. We were there till nearly 9:30 tonight.
Now I'm home and everyone has gone to bed but me. I've worked on the eulogy which I will deliver tomorrow (or have someone read if I become too emotional) and I've had some special conversations with my children who a