Sentimental Journey
After thinking about our engagement and marriage, I'm now thinking about the birth of our children. Our first child was born while we were still at Nyack and I was finishing up my college classes. I only had three classes to take and one of them was an anthropology seminar in which I had to do a research project. I chose Tibet and spent the semester frequenting the library and hunting for every scrap of information which I could find about the country. I had the project finished just before the birth of our first child. How proud we were of her and what a blessing she was in our lives.
Our second child was born in the hospital in our home town and our family doctor delivered him. He was named with pride for his two grandfathers.
Our third child was born in Somerset Hospital and he was delivered by a doctor we'd met when both of us were waiting in the emergency room to have our sons cared for. Our son had been nipped by a dog and needed a little attention. The doctor's son had broken his arm. We had to wait because there was a real emergency which had to be cared for first. I liked the way the doctor gently cared for his little boy and we decided to take him as our family doctor. We proudly named this child for his father.
Our last child was born in the hospital in the town where we still live. We lived 17 miles out of town at that time. The woman who was the head nurse at that time was a member of our congregation and she volunteered to be with me during the delivery. Finally I was able to stay awake during this delivery and heard the doctor say, "It's a boy." We proudly named this child Daniel, for an important, exemplary Bible character.
My husband and I both eagerly welcomed our little ones. They have so much blessed our home. Now they all have their own little ones to bless their home, and we were blessed as well.
The Tiger
During the time we were first dating, one of my school assignments was to memorize the poem about the tiger, written by William Blake.
"Tiger, tiger, burning bright
In the forest of the night,
What immortal hand or eye
Dare frame thy fearful symmetry?"
I really liked this poem and talked about it with Marlin and worked on memorizing it while we were together. He enjoyed the poem, too, and changed the word symmetry to cemetery, because one evening as he was driving me home from our date, he pulled off the road by the Puckety U. P. Church, a half mile away from my home, and that's where we had our first kiss. The Puckety Church was one of those old country churches surrounded by the church cemetery.
We were so young! It was so amusing to say the poem, change the word to cemetery and think about our first kiss. A lovely secret, which I now share with all of you.
Engagement
My husband proposed to me on the night of my high school Baccalaureate service. Of course he had no ring at that time. When his mom knew of our engagement, she gave him the engagement ring that his father had given her when they were engaged. It was an old fashioned ring with a small diamond in what they called a basket setting. We were advised to have the diamond reset in a more "modern" setting, which is probably considered very old fashioned now.
We talked this over and chose a setting with the diamond in the center and two small diamond chips on either side of it. The jeweler made up a wedding band at the same time. There are seven small diamond chips in the wedding band and they span the same distance as the diamonds in the engagement ring.
We planned a day that he would give me the ring, toward the end of summer, before we went off to college. I had a plantars wart on the ball of my foot and the doctor had been burning it off with acid. He told me it should abscess and then he would be able to remove the problem. On the day we'd planned, my foot was so painful that I couldn't walk on it very well, but we went through with our plans, which were to have a picnic lunch at North Park in Pittsburgh.
When he put the ring on my finger, I felt astonished at how beautiful I thought it was. I still think its beautiful. It's simple and yet really nice. I paid a price for going on the picnic instead of having my foot cared for that day. It really did abscess that day and it became incredibly sore and took a long time to heal. But I had a wonderful time and still remember the thrill of the moment he slipped the ring on my finger.
I still wear the ring, both of them, of course. The setting for every stone in them has had to be tightened at least once. Once I caught my rings on the latch plate on our dining room door and bent the rings badly out of round and hurt my finger a lot. But it was easily put back into round at the jewelers and I'd done no pemanent damage to my finger. My hands have gotten bigger and the rings were enlarged to fit comfortably. And most recently, the rings broke in two at the place directly opposite from the diamond settings. That was easily cared for also.
I take my rings off for gardening, mixing sweet roll dough and for swimming at the Y. I try to ease the wear and tear on them. I'm very happy with the beautiful rings my husband gave me.
The Hardest Thing
This is the hardest thing I've ever had to go through, I keep telling myself. And it's been very hard, no doubt about it. Late this afternoon I started to think of some other very hard places that I've gone through. And then I realized that the reason that this is the hardest is because Marlin isn't going through it with me. He was often a source of strength to me. He supported me when I was needy. Sometimes he encouraged me to grow stronger, but often he let me lean on his strength. So now, of course this is the hardest thing.
I'm singing tonight, and sometimes wiping away tears. My voice breaks with the emotion, but I'm singing and drawing comfort from the songs.
"Trust in the Lord with all thy heart,
Rest in the arms of His care.
Whatever the lot, it mattereth not,
For nothing can trouble thee there.
Trust in the Lord, O troubled soul.
Nothing can trouble thee there."
I don't know the author of that song. I've sung it for many years. Tonight it comforts me in a way that I didn't experience before.
To quote another good old hymn, "There is a place of quiet rest, near to the heart of God." God is with me. My husband is with God.
Another Home Going
My husband died early this morning, here at home. He had been through a great deal of suffering and it was time for him to go home. It was good for him to be here with his family and all the family came home to him. We did everything that we could for him. If he asked for something, we got it for him. We tended to his needs with loving care.
When he first had an idea that his cancer was terminal he said, "I don't know whether to be delighted or sad. I'm delighted at the thought of being with Jesus, but I'm sad at the thought of leaving our family." And that's really where we are today. We are so glad to know that he knew Jesus as his personal Savior, but we are sad that he had to leave our family. We are sad about the plans that he had that he wasn't able to complete and we will miss him so much.
I am so glad that we made a big deal of celebrating our 48th wedding anniversary. He was feeling pretty good at that time and many, many people came to our Open House and celebrated with us. It was a time of blessing.
These next few days will be hectic with many plans to be made and implemented. But underlying it all, there will be peace. Marlin has requested a song that is on a CD by Fernando Ortega, "Give Me Jesus." It's a beautiful song.
Tis the Age of Convenient Plastic Ware
Today I had to take a little time out to go to the Dollar Store and get a few 8 cup plastic containers to conveniently take care of some of the extra food that's being brought in to us. Fortunately I have lots of freezer space. I would hate to waste it and I know that in the coming days, I can easily get it out again and have fresh food for guests. What did we do before we had these lovely plastic containers?
Rest
What a difference enough rest and sleep makes in your life. I was able to sleep in my own bed last night and I also had a nap in the afternoon. This morning I feel restored again. Soon the activities of the day will begin around me. I think I am ready for it.
Lovely Things
Today there were some lovely things which happened:
- Kids were sledding on the little hill down over at the school playground. I love to see them playing in the snow there. Their colorful snowsuits against the white snow makes a lovely picture. Two of our grandsons were sledding there, too.
- Noah doesn't quite have the hang of sledding. He pushed the sled and it took off solo down the hill with him running behind it happily. Noah is 5. I didn't see it happen but I loved hearing about it.
- I spent some time looking at quilting books in the library this afternoon. I looked at a book on triangles in quilting and another on unusual log cabin designs. I brought home a book with some Christmas angel instructions. I could get started making something for next year.
- My back door neighbor, Carolyn, provided our evening meal, turkey and biscuits, very delicious!
- Looking through some old boxes, we found pictures of my husband in his childhood. There were some good memories stashed in those boxes.
- My husband has some boxes labeled "Unsorted Memories." I've always enjoyed seeing those boxes. I think that title describes what goes on in my mind.
- I enjoyed talking to my niece, Jan, about her interests and what's going on in her life.
- I gave away over a dozen of my Pysanky eggs today. I'm making room for me to make more. And the eggs were well received.
- I had a lovely nap this afternoon. (Good thing!)
- We've started to accept Hospice volunteers to come into the home and give us a little time to take care of other needs.
- The sun was shining today and it was a little warmer. How could I not like that?
Today's Visits
My husband's brother came today to spend a little time with him. His daughter brought him. He lives three hours away. It wasn't an easy trip for them. It wasn't an easy visit for them. I wish I could say that the brothers visited together and thought about the good old days. But it wasn't like that. My husband can't have conversations now. He seems to hear us, at least at some times. He is really fading now. It's hard to see this happening.
Speaking of Nurses
Since I've been thinking, and even writing, about nurses lately, I was thinking now what a good nurse my mom would have made. She was so calm and able to deal with whatever crisis that was handed to her.
I was remembering especially the time we had visitors, a family of four. As I remember, it was a mom and dad and son and daughter. I think the dad's name was Cecile and that is the only thing I remember about these people. I have no idea who they really were or why they visited us. My brother and I and their two children went out to play in the field beyond our property. We had to duck under a barbed wire fence. I don't know when the accident happened, whether we'd been out a long time or not, but the little boy got himself snagged by the barbed wire. He got cut at his eye. When I saw him, blood was over his whole eye area. I thought he had gouged out his eye. I know we ran him back to the house, calling for help. I was thinking that I'd go back and look for his eye. The grown ups came to see what was happening. The boy's mom lost it, --she was beside herself with concern. My mom just calmly took over.
She took the little boy into the house, wiped the blood away to find a little scratch. His eye was fine. He was fine. She had everyone calmed down in minutes and had the little boy's wound tended to well.
Mom always had a good head for emergencies. I've often remembered the event where most of us got so excited and scared by the surface wound and Mom was so level headed. If it had been a disaster, she would have still handled it well. I often wished my mom could have had nurses' training. She'd have been a really good nurse and she would have felt more fulfilled in being able to help many people. As it was, she truly did help many people, but in a different way than nurses help. For many years she brought order and calm to my life.
Perpetual Calendar
I've been wanting to find a perpetual calendar that would tell me which years would fit the calendar year of 2005. I save my old calendars which I think are beautiful or cute or funny, and for many years I got a cloth calendar which was supposed to become a dish towel the following year. Instead, I saved them and use them again when the dates match the current year.
My husband had a handy, dandy card that told which of the 14 yearly calendars would fit the years between 1900 and 2000. Every year about this time he would look up which years would fit the coming new year. I could look through my calendars and see if any that I saved would be from the right year for the incoming year. And then we went past 2000. I've never seen another handy, dandy card like that for years past 2000.
Tonight I got out the 1999 year almanac and we found that the calendar for 2005 is the same as the calendars in the years 1966, 1977, 1983, and 1994. I had a cloth calendar for 1967 but not 1966, and some of the other calendars just missed the year by one also. However, I had one 1977 calendar which I hope to use somewhere. Someday soon I will get out my paper calendars and see if I have some of them which may fit 2005.
Last Week of the Year
All my years of teaching, I really loved the week of vacation between Christmas and New Year's. I seldom got to spend it the way I imagined that I would, but I loved that break from routine. I wanted to have some quiet time at that point and work on some art project, preferably an oil painting. That usually didn't happen.
Sometimes we went visiting our relatives during that week. But often we had people come to our home. The house would be full of activities and people and there would be no private time for art projects. But there were good times even though it was not as I'd wanted it to be.
When my husband was taking classes in counseling at Edinboro College, now University, he made good friends with some students from other countries. One was a boy from Nigeria, Pat. My husband invited him to spend New Year's with us, as well as other occasions from time to time. The New Year's occasion, Pat asked if he could bring a new friend of his, a student from Iraq, Sorub. He'd only been in U. S. for a couple days and spoke very, very little English. Of course we said yes.
At that time our church youth group stayed up all night on New Year's Eve and capped off the celebration with a pancake breakfast in the morning. They had this ridiculous trick of putting a paper napkin in one pancake and they laughed and had a lot of fun over who got that pancake. Well, wouldn't you know it! Sorub got that pancake with the napkin and since he knew nothing of this kind of nonsense, he had no idea what was wrong with his pancake and was trying politely to eat it any way. Soon the others began to realize that no one was saying they got the napkin and then they realized that Sorub was gamely eating it! They felt really bad that it happened that way. He did get a laugh out of it when they helped him understand that it was a trick and never was meant to be eaten. Now it's one of those interesting memories. Pat and Sorub finished school and returned to their countries. They kept in touch for a while but we haven't heard from either of them in years.
Nut Rolls
When I was a girl, I loved to visit Aunt T. and Uncle H. at Christmas time. They were fun to visit any time, but at Christmas, Uncle H. would make nut rolls. I don't remember that I was ever at their house while he was making them but some time before Christmas, he would make a huge batch of nut rolls. I think it took a lot of time to make them. Of all the cookies and confections they offered guests, the nut rolls were my favorite.
I've seldom had such nut rolls anywhere else but at their house. They were about three inches long, filled with ground nuts, --a small square with two opposite ends wrapped over the filling. I never learned to make them for myself.
Recently I was asked to buy something from a school fund raiser. One of the things offered was a nut log and that's what I ordered, remembering the wonderful nut rolls of long ago when my uncle was alive. The nut log, when it arrived, was a big disappointment. It's not at all like what I remembered. It is a bread dough spread with the ground nut filling and rolled up as one would do a cinnamon loaf. I guess it's OK, but I was hoping for a treat that would be as good as my uncle's holiday nut rolls.
The Best and the Worst
One of the things people like to do at this time of the year is to list the best and the worst about the year. All in all, it's been a hard year for me and the worst of this year was that my husband was diagnosed with cancer and that my mom died.
But there were lots of bests, too. There were too many to remember them all. Some of my best paintings were done this year. I have developed in physical fitness through exercise and Aquarobics, and I've made really good friends through those classes at the Y. I've completed my first year of blogging and I've enjoyed it immensely. I've met such really friendly people through blogging and received real encouragement from them.
The worst things I've gone through this year have opened doors for me to receive immeasurable blessing from people all around me. I felt comfortable and secure, happy in my every day pursuits, but now I feel so loved and cared for even though my whole world has been turned upside down. Even during the worst, I have found a best.
Remembering
This week between Christmas and New Year's is a week when there's a lot of remembering going on, most of it about things that happened during this last year.
Tonight I'm just remembering things from the past. I am remembering that the coldest Christmas for me was the one we spent visiting our daughter when she and her family lived in Lochiel, Ontario. Most probably I've actually experienced other Christmases where the temperature was that cold, but the cold was magnified by the way the air seeped through all the cracks into the old farmhouse where they lived. The only room that was warm at all was the kitchen and that was warm because there was an old fashioned cook stove in it that was heated by wood. Most of us huddled in the kitchen around that stove and drank lots of tea and cocoa.
On Christmas Eve we went caroling to the homes of a few friends. It was just our own family, our three sons, (Reminds me of a TV program!) my daughter and her husband, and me. My husband stayed with the two babies, at home. All of us read music and we sang four part harmony. I was the weak link even though I had the easy part, soprano. I had to learn the music for a carol I'd never known before. "On Christmas night, all Christians sing, to hear the news the angels bring." I still feel so good about singing that song with my family, out in the cold winter night, while we were warmly bundled up in coats and scarves. We were warmly received at each place we went. I still remember the words and the tune of the carol, though I don't think I've had the pleasure of singing it with a congregation in a church service. I've rarely heard it sung anywhere at Christmas, but I think I sing it here at home every Christmas since I learned it.
It's cold here tonight, but nothing like the cold that we experienced when we celebrated Christmas in Lochiel.
Visitors
This afternoon we had several visitors drop by. We had nice, quiet type conversations with them in the dining room, but my husband wasn't feeling well enough to talk to visitors.
They brought more cookies and another poinsettia, which I received with gratefulness, knowing it was from the kindness and love which they are showing me. I finally became bold and said, "I am thanking you now. Please understand that I am now overwhelmed and won't be able to write personal thank you notes." They warmly agreed with me that they understood that we really do appreciate the gifts, and I feel relieved that, yes, really, people do understand the kind of stress I'm going through in these days.
I was able to get to church this morning while one son stayed with dad and made sure he was well taken care of.
Thank A Nurse
Today I'm so impressed with the day in - day out job that nurses do and I applaud their generosity in giving of themselves to patients who need so much attention. Often I am finding that I need four hands to get the job done well and I don't know how a nurse does so much alone. It's so good to have someone to help all the time.
Also, I've had to call on nurses three times today, to help me deal with proper amount of pain control. It's Christmas and everyone should be celebrating with family and friends, enjoying the holiday. But I had to disrupt the holiday to get advice on what I needed to do next. And I was always treated with loving concern and given appropriate guidance to meet the need. Nurses are called on to do this often. I see that they give, and give, and keep on giving. I want to thank nurses for the wonderful job they do in taking care of the sick. I'm sure that nursing is a calling. Nurse, we all need you and I'm sorry that so much is demanded of you in caring for us.
Tonight, we have the pain meds under control again and once again he seems to be resting a little more comfortably, and it's thanks to the nurses who gave of their holiday time to advise me on how to make the adjustments.
It's Christmas
This has been the most unusual Christmas that I've experienced. While my husband continues to lose a little more of his stamina, the people around us keep pouring out their love and their gifts. Some how we have the feeling that we have to repay everything we get. You give me a gift, I give you a gift, ---that kind of thing. But there's no way that I can repay or adequately thank the people who are giving to my husband and me right now. I can only accept gratefully their wonderful gifts and expressions of love.
I know the day will come when it will be my turn to take meals to other Hospice patients' families. Since I've been on the receiving end of it, I now know better how to do it, what to offer. But until that time comes, for now, I wish I could shout it to the stars, "THANK YOU, EVERYBODY!"
It's Christmas, and for everyone who loves to give, there must be someone willing to receive. This year, I am most definitely on the receiving end, and I find I don't know how to make sure everyone knows how grateful I am, --how grateful my family is for all that is being done for us.
My Long Ago Christmas Surprise
When my first son was little, it was hard for him to keep a secret about giving gifts. One year Daddy helped him buy a present for me and he was delighted about his gift to me. It was so hard for him not to tell me what it was.
When I remarked that I was almost out of hand lotion, he told me, "No, you're not! You're not out of hand lotion! It's a secret and I can't tell you any more about it, but you're not out of hand lotion."
Any gueses as to what he got me that year? I loved it!
Christmas Music
Music has been an integral part of my life. Christmas would not be complete without the memory of the beautiful songs of Christmas. I remember shopping in the crowded stores with the sounds of the Christmas carols flooding the air. I remember caroling with the youth group, driving from place to place, leaving the warm car to shiver in the crisp air and blend our voices in one or two of the beloved songs of Christmas, singing outside the window of someone who needed cheering.
The year I was 12, my parents gave me a phonograph for Christmas and an album of Bing Crosby singing the carols. My best friend, obviously in on the secret, gave me a recoring of Lauritz Melchior singing, "Oh, Holy Night." How I cherieshed those records.
Christmas also meant preparing my own music for my part in the program at church. I always enjoyed practicing and preparing a special musical arrangement, but I would get so scared when it was time to do it in public.
Scripture records that the angels sang together on the night that Jesus was born. Christmas music originated with the birth of Christ and it is a vital part of the Christmas celebration.
The Bible tells us that some day the redeemed are to stand before the throne and sing a new song. I look forward to this experience. It will be a thrilling climax to the majestic music of Christmas that I've enjoyed all my life.
Christmas Eve--All Day!
It's hard for me to really grasp the fact that today is Christmas Eve. I hear about it on the radio and we have a little tree put up in the living room by the front window. But my life these days is centered in our home and my nursing duties here. We just take it one day at a time. Changes which I don't understand are taking place in my husband. He's going through a really hard time, just coping with the pain and weariness. He's always been a man of great energy and this weariness is a great bewilderment to him.
I had one other Christmas Eve that was very unChristmas like and that was when I was a senior in high school and I'd discovered a lump in my breast. The surgeon thought it was benign but wanted to take it out on Christmas Day. My mom convinced him to wait till December 26. The operation hung over me like the Sword of Damocles. I was so afraid of the anesthesia. I was afraid I'd never wake up from it. I thought I was going to have my last Christmas. Our youth group went caroling on Christmas Eve. I felt I couldn't go with them. I wished they'd come carol at our place, but they didn't. I felt trapped and alone. I sat on the couch near the Christmas tree and cried. My Grandma Emma came to me and put her arms around me and cried with me. I looked up to see Mom and my brother in the doorway and they looked so concerned about Grandma crying with me, but she was doing exactly the right thing.
I don't remember Christmas Day or what gifts I got. I do remember being in the hospital the next morning, with the preliminary work completed and just waiting to be taken to surgery. I had taken a radio and I was listening to "Cousin Carl" on WAVL out of Apollo, PA. He played guitar and sang what my mom called "Hill Billy" music. I loved it. That morning, one of the songs he sang was, "Old Dan and I with throats burned dry and souls that cry for water, clear, cold, water." My mom, knowing how thirsty I was because I'd been denied food or drink, wanted to turn the radio off. But I was finally peaceful about my impending operation and I certainly identified with the thirst for clear, cold water. "Leave it on," I told her.
And then it was over and I did indeed wake up again. The lump was just a benign cyst and all was well. But it had certainly overshadowed Christmas for me that year. Now it's a memory that should remind me to enjoy today and not cross that bridge to tomorrow till I get there. I should have gone caroling with the youth group.
There will be good things about Christmas Eve today. I'll look for them. Right now I see that a neighbor who lives up on the corner is running a snowblower, clearing our sidewalk. How grateful I am!
Again the Rebus
The Rebus puzzle is back in the Games Magazine! It's in the March 2005 issue which I received today. What great fun! Tonight we're trying to solve the puzzles and we have 6 out of 14. I LOVE doing these puzzles!
Who Were the Wisemen?
Did you ever wonder who the wisemen were? What were their names and what was their country? How many wisemen were there?
The Holy Scriptures do not give us the answer to any of these questions. Tradition gives us partial answers to these questions, telling us that the Wisemen most probably came from Persia. Tradition also gives some names that might belong to these special men.
But Scripture gives no names, no number, and tells only that they came from the East. Yet these men are famous, for everyone who knows the story of the birth of Jesus knows that the Wisemen played a special part in the wonder and mystery that enfolds the events which took place.
They are famous then, not for who they were, but for the way they were used of God. God knows who they are and everything about them. God will reward their obedience to His prompting.
What about you? What about me? If you're like me, you're known in your own locality, known by friends and relatives in scattered areas, but largely, unknown.
The world may never hear of us, may never learn our names, yet who can tell when obedience to God will put in motion ripples of reaction which will circle the globe in its influence on others.
The Scriptures contain numerous accounts of men and women of God who fulfilled their parts in the Devine program, yet remain nameless to us. We could think of them as "little people." But with God, there are no little people. He knows each of us by name, knowing even the thought and intent of our hearts.
His reward is for faithfulness to opportunities He gives us. With God, you are an important person. His plan for your life is as important as His plan for the Wisemen.
Snow Surprise
Last evening we had snowfall. The snow was coming down in big, fat, fluffy flakes. It was covering everything really fast. I thought we'd have a lot of snow to shovel this morning, but in the very late evening, the snow flakes turned to rain. I think it must have rained all night. It was raining when I was up at 5:30. It's still raining. It must be a cold, almost freezing rain. There's still lots of snow in our yard but water is running down the street. Between midnight and 3 AM the plows and salt trucks were busy doing the streets and the sidewalk plow went through a couple of times.
I'd rather have snow than rain today.
An Autobiography
I'm reading Marcia Davenport's autobiography, Too Strong For Fantasy, which was published in 1967. She was born in 1903, the daughter of Alma Gluck, who was a famous opera singer. Because of her mother's career, she was blessed with the opportunity to meet many famous people, not only in the music world but in other fields as well.
She writes about her mother's parties, which usually included music by various performers. Marcia says that Albert Einstein was often a guest in her mother's home and he wanted to participate in the music. At one time, a string quartet provided music at the parties, and Marcia writes, "The quartet were confronted by Professor Einstein, timidly pleading to be allowed to play second fiddle. He was a ghastly violinist but they stood in awe of his eminence and were honored to be in his company. But their sidelong glances of agony as he scratched and squealed along with them, beaming under his halo of fuzzy white hair! He seldom counted correctly which confounded them in the world's greatest mathematical physicist."
Who would have thought that!
Footprints in the Snow
The other day when I crossed the snow covered lawn to take the shortcut to South Street and then on to the post office, I saw footprints that I don't usually see at our place. We live right in the residential area of town, just a few blocks from the center of business activities. I was sure that I was seeing deer footprints!
Today my backdoor neighbor asked us if we'd been seeing the deer that has been crossing our yard each evening. No, I haven't seen it, though I'd love to. But I did notice the footprints.
Mail Call
Today when I brought in the mail, I found that a Christmas card sent to me came in its own plastic envelope from the post office. The card had been ripped diagonally, from the lower corner up to the left of the stamp. That torn off part was completely gone. The plastic envelope contained an apology from the post office.
They try to get the mail through safely and they were very sorry that there had been some destruction with this particular item. They don't destroy things very often, they said.
I do know that this is true. It really is the exception when a piece of mail is torn. This card was from a teacher friend who retired last year. Her signature was on the part of the card that remained. In a short message, she told me that she's enjoying retirement and that it's surprising how little she's missing something that filled her life for 35 years. I'm glad that part of the card is the part that got through to me.
Christmas Past
Today I've been thinking about Christmases in the past. Since most of them were happy occasions, they do tend to blend together into one memory of celebration. Long ago Christmases always featured the "program" at church. Coming up through the ranks, I would always have a recitation in the children's program. Each year the piece got a little longer, till I was saying poems of considerable length. I actually loved learning those poems though I was awfully nervous about saying them in public. But I knew I could do it and I did just fine.
After the children's program, there was the Young People's program. I especially remember one year when we enacted the Christmas story and I was the wife of Matthias, the Inn Keeper. I don't remember much about the play except that Matthias was my next door neighbor, Howard. He was tall and thin and serious. He was several years older than I and he was always kind. It was kind of exciting to pretend to be Howard's wife, in the play. I never had a crush on him. He was like a big brother to me.
Howard worked after school in a book store in town. Some times on Wednesdays, my mom allowed me to walk to the library in town after school. I would read and browse the books to my hearts content, and then at the appropriate time, walk to Isaleys where I would meet Howard and we'd have a bite to eat together and then we'd walk back up the hill to Victoria Avenue to the church where we'd meet our parents for the service. Without Howard to walk me to church, I'd have never been allowed to have that wonderful time alone in the library.
Back in those long ago years, there were very few houses with Christmas lights in the windows. Actually, as we drove from our home in the country into town, there were very few houses along the road till we got much closer to town. It was one of our enjoyments to look for homes with a lighted wreath hanging in the window, or a Christmas tree, or maybe some lights on an outside tree. Now the road is lined with homes and business establishments and Christmas lights are everywhere.
Some of my Christmases go back farther than my memory. I can't tell which of them I remember first. I've had many really happy celebrations.
The Car
One of the last things my husband did while he was up and around was to take the car he drives the most to have it inspected. Then as he began to have more physical problems and I was wrapped up in his needs, I just put the fact of the car out of my mind and did what was important for the moment. But every once in a while, he asks me about the car and I knew I had to take care of it, ---at least pay the bill. So, today was the day. I went to the garage and paid the bill and it turned out to be more emotional for me than I'd anticipated. But now I'm able to tell him that we've taken care of the car. I'm glad I did that chore for him.
Advent
What Made the Wisemen Wise?
The Wisemen came from the East, foolowing the star which led them to a miracle child who had recently been born. How did they know about the star and the magnitude of its significance?
Centuries before the Wisemen made their trip, Balak, King of Moab, had invited Balaam to come to Moab to pronounce a curse on the children of Israel. Balaam assured the king that he could not curse the Jewish people unless God allowed it. Nevertheless, he did go to Moab and attempted to pronounce a judgment on God's people. Each time he opened his mouth, he blessed them completely for it was God's purpose to prosper His people, not to curse them.
Balaam's last prophecy concerning Israel said that a star will arise out of Jacob. Perhaps the Wisemen knew something of this prophecy and thus understood the significence of the star. Perhaps God did something within their hearts and minds which prompted them to make their journey.
Since creation there has been two standards for wisdom. There is the wisdom of the world, and there is God's wisdom. It is the wisdom of the world that fills the universities and science labs and spurs man to formulate Godless theories for creation. It is the wisdom of God that spurs man to hunger and thirst for the knowledge of God.
We don't have to follow a star or search through Old Testament prophecies to find Christ today, for He has been revealed to us through His life on earth. The person who seeks Christ today will find Him, just as surely as the Wisemen sought and found the Christ-Child. Wise men still seek Him.
A Good Day
It's been a pretty good day today. My husband was feeling somewhat better today. He ate a little better and got his own shower, without too much help. He was able to talk with us more today but was sleeping soundly when his brother called.
We got some of our around town chores done today and I did another set of Christmas cards. It's pretty cold here but we're safe and snug even if it's on the cool side. It's been a good day.
More About Quilting Books!!
Today when I took the quilting books I'd been reading back to the library, I found two more and to my chagrin, I discovered that the new ones I found are actually 2 and 3 in the series. How could I get mixed up? I didn't really look at the numbers on the spine so I don't know which they were in the series. That also explains why there is such a big gap between Quilter's Apprentice, which truly is #1, and the other books I read. So now I have Round Robin Quilt and The Cross Country Quilters. Now I will learn even more of Sylvia Compton's life and her stories.
How Cold Is It?
I didn't really want to know how cold it was here last night. I knew it was cold because the house feels cold even though the thermostat says it's the right temperature. This morning, I gave in and looked at the temperature for our area as shown on AOL. It was -1 F. I hate it when the temperature gets to zero or lower. It's so hard to keep warm then.
The sun is shining brightly on the newly fallen snow. It should get somewhat warmer soon. The snow plows and even the sidewalk plow were out doing their work in the early morning (what I think of as still night) hours. There is school as usual. We have snow removal down pat in our town. We seldom miss school for snowfalls.
End of Story
I finished the quilting story and now I know what made the estrangement and how things worked out to be where they were in the next two books. For this series, I understand why Reading In Order is best. Maybe it's always best when reading a series. There was a lot of building on the foundation of this story as Jennifer continued her next books in the series. This was a most satisfying read and I highly recommend it to anyone who enjoys quilting. It's also good for understanding family relationships. Now I feel like I should scan the next two books again, to notice development of several of the characters. I'd also like to piece another quilt top!
Quilting Story
Now I'm reading the first book of the quilting series that was written by Jennifer Chevrianini. I'm spelling from memory and hope that I got her last name right. This first story is very compelling. I want to keep reading and reading but I have to do other things. Basically I know the outcome of this story but I don't know how it works out to the outcome I know from the second and third stories, and I'm very curious to find out. Another mystery to me is what happened between the sisters, Sylvia and Claudia. A lot of it turns out to be typical sibling rivalry, but it went so far beyond that and wasn't resolved, something Sylvia regrets deeply. I'm very curious to discover what led the sisters to never speak to each other again and let Claudia die without the estrangement being resolved.
Christmas Present
My title means This Christmas, the present tense Christmas. Today we are installing Christmas at our hourse. We have just searched out the ornament boxes from their place of storage. We got the small artificial Christmas trees. This afternoon they will be decorated and Christmasy things will be tucked in here and there around the house.
I do enjoy looking at my old Christmas ornaments. It would have been too hard for me to do this by myself. I'm thankful for the help I have to get these lovely things out this year. I shall enjoy looking at them when they are in place.
Publisher Labels
Today I used what I learned in my Publisher computer course to make my return labels for Christmas cards. I know this is not a big thing to most computer users, but it's my first time to make labels and put clip art on them. It was fun and I like the labels. I printed the first sheet on the back instead of the front but I just put it through again correctly and remembered how to do it right on the other label sheets.
Some time soon, I want to get card stock and print business cards for me. I think I'll make a card that shows that I'm an artist.
Christmas Cookies
One year in our Christmas Eve service, our pastor opened the service for people to tell what their favorite part of Christmas is. One of my dear friends, who is a year younger than my mom, gave the answer that one would expect in a church celebration of the occasion of the birth of Jesus. And then she added that she really liked the Christmas cookies. She said that she usually baked at least six different kinds of cookies for Christmas and kept them on hand for guests who popped in.
I never could amass six different kinds of cookies. With my growing family, the first batch of cookies would be eaten by the time I was doing the sixth batch. Even after all the kids left home, I wasn't baking six different kinds of cookies. After hearing what Jewel said, I thought I'd like to try that. But it seems that usually I'm busy with Christmas programs and parties and music so that I don't take time to do the six kinds of cookies. I'm content with having some of my favorites, --chocolate chip, and gingerbread boys if I can spare the time, and cut out sugar cookies.
This year I have made no cookies but people are sharing their Christmas cookies with us. We've had some pretty special Christmas cookies. How can I thank all the people who are bringing food to us? Their generosity has been overwhelming.
Monk
Yesterday morning I noticed in the TV listings in the newspaper that there would be three Monk episodes shown last night. I really like that program and thought it might be nice to watch them. I haven't seen Monk in a long while. It isn't shown consistently each week, so I lose track of when it will be on.
My husband went upstairs for the evening and slept in our bed while we watched TV. It was the first evening that I sat and watched something on TV for days and days. I worried about him alone upstairs, but he really just wanted to sleep. He was too tired to talk to visitors yesterday and I knew he wanted to be left alone to rest, but it still felt strange to enjoy TV programs while he's so sick.
But we did enjoy the programs. Monk is such an interesting character and the actor gets as much humor into his role as possible.
The Candle
Our morning newspaper carries a Christmas article written and submitted by readers, all through December. One day this week the article was written by a woman who said that when she was a child her parents had a beautiful candle that they used as a center piece at Christmas time. They wouldn't light the candle. They put it away each year to be used as a center piece decoration at Christmas again.
As children, they often asked to light the candle but that special candle was kept just for decoration, for 30 years. Then the parents died, --first one, then the other. The next Christmas, the children met together. They got the candle out and as they all gathered around, they lit the candle. The woman said they had enjoyed their memories of Christmas past as the candle burned.
Maybe it's just me, but it struck me as a sad memory. Something meant to be used was saved as something special. And then in the end, it was used up as it was meant to be.
Well, that's just my idea. Each person has a special feeling for family rituals. Burning the candle after 30 years was a very meaningful celebration for the writer of the article. It brought their family together in a unique way.
The Mouse Book
Sarah read the book to me this evening, If You Take A Mouse to School. It's a cute book. She knew all the words except furniture and chance. The illustrations in the book are very good, very interesting. One of the neat things about the book is that the mouse is so little and you have to look through the picture to find where he is in each page.
Taking a mouse to school is just as demanding as giving him a cookie. He always wants MORE!
Afternoon
It was a pleasant afternoon. The temperature has warmed up somewhat and it was easy to get around town. Sarah and I went to the library. She got a book which I expect her to read me later. If You Take a Mouse to School. It's apparently a sequel to If You Give A Mouse a Cookie. I remember that we used that book as a springboard for first grade classroom activites. The kids loved the story. I'm sure they enjoy this just as much.
A Good Night
I had the best night's rest last night that I've had for a long while. I do feel refreshed this morning.
It's snowing again and I saw a car sliding around on the road so I know to be careful when I go out this morning. I'll go clean off the car in a few minutes. I'm going to try to get to Aquarobics this morning.
Waffles
Tonight my husband asked if we had any waffles. He felt like he could eat a waffle, just the waffle itself, --no butter, no syrup. Of course I didn't happen to have a waffle anywhere in the house, but we do know how to make waffles. My daughter-in-law said she's been making them so often she knows the recipe by heart. She got down the waffle iron, which is stored above my head and is always a challenge for me to get down. In no time, she had the waffle made, and sure enough, he ate one quarter section of the waffle and seemed to enjoy it. That is encouraging.
Working with the waffle iron reminded me of the year Mom gave me the waffle iron for Christmas. I really wanted one and had talked it over with Mom. During our discussion, Mom decided that if I wanted a waffle iron, surely my brother's wife would want one, too. It seemed like such a good gift idea. The question was, what brand would be best to get, and of course, where to get it.
My sister-in-law heard some of this discussion about where to get the best waffle iron and she thought Mom was wanting a waffle iron for herself. She decided that would make a great gift for Mom, so she bought a waffle iron. That Christmas, all three of us got waffle irons as gifts. We thought it was very amusing. In the end, it turned out that I was the only one who REALLY wanted a waffle iron.
Mom's waffle iron was very old, but still worked quite well. It was on the small side, and round, and was divided into quarters. It got a lot of use before my brother and I left home. After that, it hardly saw the light of day.
My waffle iron, probably from about the early 60s doesn't get much use these days. It's a much bigger appliance than my mom's was. It's square, and of course divided into quarters, so that four people can have one square while the next waffle bakes. The waffle grid can be removed and turned over to make the appliance into a griddle, to do pancakes or sausage or hamburgers, etc. I never use it that way. It's only for waffles. I thought of all this while we got the waffle ready for my husband tonight. I'm glad we were able to get him the thing he asked for.
It's another calm evening. I thank God for this good day.
Haircuts
Today I went to my beautician for a haircut. When my cut was finished, she came to our house and cut my husband's hair. He has beautiful hair, as white as snow, and though it's not as thick as when he was young, it's not too thin, either. He started growing gray when he was in his late teens and his hair has been white for many years. He's been concerned that it was getting shaggy. He thought we could stop at his barber's and have the haircut on the way home from the hospital, but there really was no question of that being possible. So, we did the next best thing, brought the haircut to him!
Quilts
OK, I didn't get back to dreamland. It's hard for me to get up in the night and then slip back into sleep. So now it's 5 AM and I just finished reading The Runaway Quilt, which I mentioned before. I did a few quiet chores and thought about quilts while I worked.
When my husband was in high school, his after school job was maintenance and doing errands for Kaylor Manufacturing, a plant which made women's blouses. They threw away boxes and boxes of scrap materials, --the odd little pieces that were left after the blouses had been cut out. When he discovered that my mom made quilts, he brought us many boxes of colorful and useful scraps of cloth. We started dating when we were juniors in high school. In some of our time together, we pieced a quilt top made from pieces of red cloth, in the Zodiac pattern. Mom quilted it for us and we still have it today.
Some years ago, I made a quilt for him using odds and ends of fabric that I've accumulated over the years. After all these years, there was still some fabric scraps left from those many boxes of cloth he salvaged for us, so I used some of those pieces in the latest quilt. I'm not an accomplished seamstress like my mom, but I sewed big patches in the crazy quilt style and set them together with sashwork made of larger pieces of fabric from the Kaylor Plant. The cotton batting I used was fleecy and soft and made me think of a comforter. I quilted it together with large stitches, and several different patterns of stitches, making interesting designs. It's nothing like my mom's tiny, neat stitches but I knew he should love this quilt, for two reasons. First, I made it specially for him, and second, it feels so cozy and warm and soft. I really like this quilt, in spite of its amateure status.
That's the quilt he's sleeping under right now. Yesterday one of his visitors commented on the quilt and he pointed out to her the various materials in the quilt which had come from his highschool after school job. He called special attention to a little red scrap of material, the Zodiac design, the material we used when we worked together to stitch those patches long ago.
"I really like this quilt," he told me, probably yesterday. "It's so soft and warm and it feels so comforting." I'm sure he knows also that it was stitched together with love.
Night Watch
(It was 3:40 AM when I started to blog.) It's my turn to do the night watch. I was sleeping on the couch and heard him stir. It was time for more pain pills. He seems to be settled to rest well again. I was roused from dreams which seemed to be interesting and cozy but I can't bring much of them back now. In a few minutes, I'll see if I can get back to dreamland. Our street is very quiet in the night. At the moment, all is calm. I know we're heading toward Christmas, but time is standing still for me.
Evening
It's 9:15 (the blog time has been off lately, I'm not recording the right time). My husband has had his evening pills. He seems to be resting right now. Dan took the night watch last night. I had a rest this afternoon and I think I'll be doing the night watch tonight. We have received many messages of love today. I'm overwhelmed by the loving kindness that we are receiving.
The evening was just shattered by the ringing of the doorbell. We've been trying to notice people coming before they get to the doorbell, but we weren't alert for it just now. Doorbells always incite these dogs to bark. They are both pretty good barkers. They are calm again and we're returning to evening stillness. Hope that's our last doorbell for the day!
No Choir
My husband is resting, some of our family is here to make sure he's OK, so I thought I go to the choir practice tonight. But first, I called. I found that there is no choir tonight. Ordinarily I'd be happy to have the evening off, but tonight, I thought I could return some music and talk about plans. But we'll save that for another day. The choir is singing "Emmanuel" for the anthem on Sunday.
Christmas Cards
I'm doing my Christmas cards this year the catch-up way. I'm taking them as they come in and using their return address to fix up a card to send back to them. My daughter-in-law called this "The Guilt Method." To me, the "Guilt" is when I've made out all my cards and then get one from someone I forgot to send to. I call this method that I'm using, "The Effeciency Method." It's so much easier to use the return address on their card than to look up the address somewhere.
And then there's Ted and Carol who interrupt the method. There was no last name to their signatures and no return address on the envelope. Turns out they are friends of my husband from one of his ministerial groups. But I can't find an address. This kind of thing certainly beats my system. I'm grateful that most people use a return address on the envelope.
Darkness and Light
There is so much more darkness than light these days. It is appropriate that it's dark when we go to be but it's so dark when we get up. It's much nicer to get up to sunshine. I just realized how close we are to the winter solstice and that to me means the days will begin to have more light. I'm all for that. I've been standing still, caught in a loop of days that all seem the same with nothing to distinguish them one from another. When did we do such and such? When did someone come? I am having trouble remembering what happened when. All days are alike to me right now.
My husband told me this morning how glad he is to be home, how comfortable he feels there in the living room. Soon day's activities will carry us well into the morning. There will be visitors and phone calls, but we are home. We are together.
Peace and Calm
He got home about 5. The Hospice nurse came right away and got him settled and explained his medication schedule to us. Then she left and he settled down in his new bed in it's new and unusual place in our living room. He's resting comfortably now, sleeping actually.
Rusty was beside himself with joy when his master came home. I know he's been wondering where his master has been. It's a good evening right now.
The Bed Is Here
The bed is here in spite of the fact that I told the driver to go north instead of south! I was trying to be very specific and give the best directions instead of turn left or turn right. And I told him the opposite of what it really is! However, he said he realized that he was supposed to head in to town and not out of town toward Clymer. But I'm embarrassed!
The bed is being assembled in the living room right now.
It is snowing very hard, a light fluffy fun-to-take-a-walk in snow. The school kids are scooping up snowballs to toss at each other as they head toward home. It's starting to lay on the roads! This should be a fun snow if it doesn't make the roads slippery.
The Bed's on the Way
I just got a call from the driver who is delivering the hospital bed to us today. He's on a road with the same name as ours but the numbers don't match up at all. All of those numbers are in the thousands and ours is a very low number. How can this be?
I figured it out. He's out in the country on the road with the same name as ours but ours is Street and that is Road. I directed him to our in town street and he says he'll be here in 15 minutes.
The snow had stopped for a while this morning but right now it's coming down briskly again. Hope it won't make a problem for the roads.
Humility Block
Last night I was reading about the "humility block" in the book, The Runaway Quilt, by Jennifer Chiaverini. It's a story about the fact that a certain kind of quilt on the clothes line showed a safe place for runaway slaves to stay as they headed north.
Gerda, in the story, makes a quilt in the Shoo-fly pattern but one block she accidentally sewed together with all the points meeting instead of the way they should be. She didn't realize it until the top was finished and ready to be quilted. She couldn't bear to tear the quilt apart and fix the error. She showed her friend and teacher the quilt and pointed out her big mistake. The teacher said that she could just call it her humility block. She said that some people deliberately do something like that to keep the finished product from being perfect because only God is perfect.
Interesting idea. Interesting way to explain away our mistakes. Gerda didn't buy the idea. She thought it would be a lack of humility to do such a thing. She said her quilt was far from perfect even without the block that was set together wrong. It's probably better to admit mistakes.
The Birthday
It wasn't much of a birthday, as birthdays go, but I'm sure it's one he'll long remember. We really do remember the holidays or birthdays when things were traumatic. This has been traumatic.
I made him the cake and it tasted wonderful, (she said modestly). Especially, the fudgy icing! I was able to be home long enough this afternoon to cook a real meal for the two of us. I told him some of the highlights of his birth, not the gory details, just the interesting stuff. Like, I had been hoping to have a girl but during the last month I had begun to believe that this baby would be another boy and I was satisfied with that. Back in those days, we didn't know before the birth what the gender of our baby would be. So I had this inner conviction that I was having a boy and picked out this special name for him.
I was awake when he was born and I heard the doctor say, "It's a boy." And I was pleased. But my nurse, who was a personal friend, said, "It wasn't supposed to be." I didn't say anything. I was too tired. But I was happy with my boy.
There was another woman who had her baby near the time that I had Dan, just after, maybe, --a day or so. She had, I think, five girls and they wanted a boy. You probably guessed that she had another girl. She did! Someone suggested that we could trade babies. But I wanted no part of that! I wanted my own boy! You've heard the expression, "I wouldn't trade him for anything." There you go. I'd never trade him. He turned out to be just what I wanted, just as my other children had been.
His family called him this evening and he got to talk to them a while. It wasn't much of an exciting birthday, but I really believe he'll remember this birthday because of the circumstances.
Hospice
In case you don't know the benefits of being served by Hospice, let me tell you what they do. They will step in when there's terminal illness and supervise how the family cares for the patient. They make it possible to bring him home, provide the hospital bed and bedding, medicines, and other sick room necessities. They have a plan to make it possible to dispense the medications accurately and will provide volunteers to sit with the patient when the family has to do shopping or legal errands.
Today we made the arrangements. They will try to get the living room turned into a sick room tomorrow, and then we'll bring him home on Wednesday if he's able to make the trip then. It's only 3 miles but if he'd feel weaker tomorrow or if our snowfall would turn into blizzard, it would postpone the transfer. They have been trying to get the medication tweaked to the just right point so that he can be taken care of at home.
I have lots to do to get ready for this. It will give me a positive thing to do. I feel that we made the right decision.
joke
I just heard this morning that the wind chill factor in Florida is 73.
It took me a few seconds to process this information but when I got it, I thought it was pretty funny.
I got my boots down from the attic. It's still snowing. It's a settled-in-to-stay-for-a-while kind of snow. Wind chill in Detroit is 17. I have no idea what it is here. It doesn't seem too cold here though and the wind doesn't seem to be a big factor this morning. At least it isn't a factor from my view from the dining room window.
Do You See?
Do you see what I see? Well, you don't if you're not looking out my window. First I saw that the beautiful snowy landscape is very much like a Christmas card picture. But after staring out the window for a while as I think, I realized that I left a hanging pot with petunias under the bird feeder. It's all frosted over with inches of snow. Suddenly I realized that the petunia is dead. I should have taken the pot to the cellar several weeks ago. I left it there when I took the others in because it was still alive and blooming. Then I forgot to take it in as the weather turned colder. I'll do that later today. (I also have to get my boots out of the attic. We have enough snow that I should wear them when I go outdoors.)
This is a happy birthday morning. I baked a cake last night and will make the frosting this morning. Then it will be business around town finding answers to questions.
Road crews are out and traffic is moving freely. We have school as usual.
All Is Calm
After this morning, it was a calm day. There were visitors in and out. St. Paul's Church sent flowers, which are beautiful! It's an arrangement of calla lilies and roses with pine greens in a silvery vase. They have the flowers on the altar and deliver them to someone for whom they prayed during the service. Today they chose us to receive the flowers. When my husband was ready to rest quietly, we came on home. Tomorrow we make the decision about trying to bring him home. I think we'll do it.
A Birthday
We have a birthday to celebrate tomorrow, that of my youngest son. It wasn't all that long ago and yet it was many years away. He was born in this hospital that we visit daily. He's my only child to be born here. Every child was born in a different town, a different hospital. If I'd had more children, they'd have been born here.
Tomorrow we must come up with something special, to give this day it's own rejoicing. We read Phillipians to my husband this afternoon. Paul said, "Rejoice in the Lord always. Again, I say, rejoice."
We sang that chorus together. It was good to have those verses to think about. We also read, "I can do all things, through Christ who gives me strength."
We will be provided with strength for tomorrow and there will be a measure of rejoicing. The next day is another family birthday, another special day. I wish she could be here to celebrate with us, also, and bring more rejoicing into our days.
Thanks a Lot for the Tea Bag
Years ago Peter Gzowski played a song on his Morningside Program--Thanks a Lot for the Tea Bag. Some days later he played it again saying he did it, "Because of a lot of requests for it, most of them mine." I certainly enjoyed that song.
It was a wonderfully funny song about getting a tea bag from "you" for his birthday. The song ends, "It really is quite a nice tea bag, --and it hasn't been used---very much!"
I said all this to say that I put "tea bags" on my grocery list. Given all that's going on in our household just now, someone else offered to get the groceries for me. They bought a box of tea that said "Family Size," and it seemed just right. Right away at home, it was noticed that the tea bags were supersized for huge pots of tea, not for a cup of tea. We had a little fun with the idea of this whopping strong cup of tea that would be made with one of these tea bags.
So later, another set of people went to the store, and "we'll get tea bags while we're there," they said. Guess what they came home with! What a lot of funning there was when the new box of tea was the exact same Family Size tea bags. This time the shoppers had seen that there were 24 tea bags in this box and didn't notice the "Family Size." Imagine the scene when that box of tea was taken from the grocery bag. Lots of noisy laughter. The third trip to the store finally netted the proper sized tea bags.
So, Thanks a lot for the tea bags, and, Can I offer you a cup of tea?
Our Hospital
It's very quiet in the hospital today but we've discovered that there are a couple of friends who are also patients. It's odd how it goes from very full to very empty in a very short time, and then back again to empty. On Monday there were a spate of admissions and the hospital wing filled up. This weekend there's been a spate of discharges.
Our hospital was at one time much more patient oriented. We had the wing we use now, both downstairs and upstairs. The downstairs had patient rooms extending into the main hallway of the ground floor and there was a nurses' station there as well as another nurses' station in the wing section. Now the nurses' station has been turned into offices and so have the patient rooms which those nurses serviced. The upstairs no longer has rooms for surgical patients because most surgery is done on an outpatient basis. A few rooms have remained in use for patients for short term recovery, short as in several hours. The rest of the area is now a clinic and more offices. We still have a maternity ward but it's pretty much off away from everthing else. Another wing houses the New Hope Unit, an excellent facility for phycho-geriatric patients. They are also completely separated from everything else.
We are so fortunate to have been able to retain our local hospital. It is so difficult to have a loved one in hospital 30 miles away, and be able to spend as much time as possible with them.
I'm sorry that nurses have so much red tape and paper work to do. They are so caring and comforting with the patients. Some patients need more personal attention. Our nurses give as much as they can, working long shifts. I'm thankful for our hospital, nurses and doctors, and everyone else who helps the hospital run smoothly.
Snow
The temperature has been falling and now the drizzle of rain has turned to snow. It's not laying on the ground yet but it's definitely snow. It's the right time of the year for snow.
Restless
I'm getting tired again. When I'm at the hospital, I want to crawl into an empty bed and rest. When I'm home I want to hurry through what must be done and head back to the hospital. I'm home on a short break now and I can't rest any way. But he's benefitting from the change of meds today. He's making more sense about things. We are often able to figure out what he's trying to tell us, or what motivated his trend of conversation.
November Again
It's another rainy morning, and it looks like November all over again. It's dull and dark, even though it's daylight now And it's still rainy. How can it rain so much? The alternative is snow and right now I'd rather have rain. It's better for travel and many of our family are traveling now, to and from visiting Dad. I want them to have safe roads.
This morning is another gift from God, even if it is still cold and rainy. I still love mornings, rain and all.
Lights and Inflatables
Our local newspaper this evening had pictures of some of the Christmas lights in our area. I wish it wasn't raining tonight. It might be fun to take a walk and look at the interesting lights in the area around our house. So many people are going all out this year and the lighting is really spectacular.
How do you feel about the inflatables? I think they are kind of tacky. I'd rather have a pink flamingo, but then, I don't really want that either. How about an inflatable pink flamingo with Christmas lights outlining it?
The Envelop, Please!
How exciting it can be to be handed an envelope. It can contain something expected, such as a birthday card, Christmas card, or pay check. It might contain an unexpected message, or an invitation to something special.
Some things that can be put into envelopes are
- a key
- seeds
- newspaper clippings
- pills
- a lock of hair
- and, of course, a letter
Envelopes can be plain or decorated. Letters can bring good or bad news. Important documents can be placed in envelopes.
Whoever invented the envelope did us all a big favor!
Another Morning
The doctor yesterday said that the first treatment is not working now and we should stop that medication and try a different one, --to give him a short burst of enabling. My husband is confused but he does realize that he's not getting that pill that has been discontinued. This troubles him a lot. He's been taking that medication since the middle of May. He was to take one tablet every day for the rest of his life. He can't believe it's the right thing to do to stop taking that pill.
He's had short times of clarity but drifts off again soon. He called last night after I was asleep and asked if he was supposed to come home. My son assured him that he was to stay there so he said he'd go to sleep then. We hurt.
Laughter
Here is an excerpt from the book, The Measure of My Days, by Florida Scott-Maxwell.
"I am getting fine and supple from the mistakes I've made, but I wish a note book could laugh. Old and alone one lives at such a high moral level. One is surrounded by eternal verities, noble austerities to scale on every side, and frightening depths of insight. It is inhuman. I long to laugh. I want to be enjoyed, but an hour's talk and I am exhausted."
My mind settled on the idea of laughter, to be able to laugh at mistakes. I've been in an emotional time of ups and downs. I can cry at the least expression of something sad, but on the other hand, I can laugh and laugh at the least bit of humor. I called my pastor to tell him that my husband was admitted to hospital. As he answered the phone and it was my turn to talk, my son walked into the room and said, "Ugh! I just brushed my teeth with my foot cream!" I started to laugh and laughed so hard I could not speak. I had to hand the phone over and let my son talk while I laughed till I cried.
But let me tell you, it felt so good to finally laugh like that. It felt so much better than the crying.
How Are You?
I've done it myself. Someone is going through great grief and I ask them, "How are You?" I really want to know. But what can I really do to make it better for them? Nothing, or not much.
I woke up this morning, after a night when I had trouble getting to sleep, after finally getting really into sleep around 3:30, and then deep in sleep when the alarm went off just after 6, --I woke up with the thought in my mind that all day people will be asking me this age old question. "How are you?"
I've been saying, "It's really hard. I'm having a hard time." This morning I think, --when they ask me, I shall answer, "I am a wreck." They will know this any way.
I know it's more than a convention to ask this question, for most of the people asking me this really are concerned that I won't get run down and break down with illness. They want to know if I'm eating well and sleeping well. And the answer is, "No, I'm not. But I am trying."
Last night I stopped in the room of a friend who is also hospitalized. I had to tell him what's really happening. His roommate was an elderly man whose wife was bunked out on a cot beside his bed. I think the man was sitting up, reading something, dangling his feet over the side of the bed. His wife was working crossword puzzles. She told me in conversation as I paused in heading out of the room, that she's only recently become addicted to them. My friend was doing canvas cross stitching. It was a cozy, living room atmosphere in their room.
Just before I left the hospital I stopped in the room again to say good-night. The woman came to me and wordlessly hugged me and we clung together. When we could talk, she told me she has been married 64 years. Her husband is having some rehab therapy after having open heart surgery some months ago at the age of 87. He wants her to be near him, so she's staying at his side. She hasn't lost him yet but knows it could be near, given his age and the number of years they've already had.
"It's as bad as you can imagine," I told her as we hugged. I felt comforted by her clinging hug. I never met her before, but we are sisters now, in this perplexing time of trying to answer the question, "How are you?" without being too honest, without upsetting the one who asks.
It's very early this morning, very dark, and there's a knock on the door. Oh, no, I think. Someone at the door already. And then I know, It's our third son! He's arrived. Oh, thank God!
My day has begun. How am I? I'm going to make it through the day with God's help and the help of my family. But, I'm a wreck!
Gathering
My family is beginning to gather home now. One son has been here since Saturday. He's helped me through so many difficulties since then. Others of the family are on their way. People from our town are coming to visit in the hospital, or bringing gifts of food to the house. It's been less than a month since my mom died and now I'm saying good-bye to my husband. It's unthinkable.
But it's happening. My mind is filled with memories of the good times. My mind doesn't want to let the memories go. Thoughts bounce around inside my head, clamoring for attention, insisting on recognition, keeping me from sleep.
I had to get up. I had to have a cuppa tea. I'm eating some of the cookies I requested that people bring when they offered to do something for me. Though I am so hungry, my mind revolts at eating, but now, past midnight, I'm able to eat a few cookies and have my tea. I think that writing will help me calm my thoughts and bring me to the place where I can sleep. I need sleep. Tomorrow we meet with yet another doctor from Erie and he's supposed to tell us the course of action he thinks we should take. I expect him to tell us that he can't make any decision for us, that we have to decide for ourselves. I think we all know what is going to be done but tomorrow we hear it spoken and discussed and we will cry over it.
My husband has been one who plans long in advance. Several years ago he decided that we must update our wills and while we were doing it, he decided, we will also draw up a document establishing Power of Attorney,---for the time when we will need it.
We did this with laughter and jokes and much talk that our sons could come and take over and do as they pleased for the document said that they could. But we both knew that this would never happen. Not until the day it was needed would this document be used. That day has now come and it was such a blessing to have it already in place. All we had to do was open the envelope and take it to the places where we needed it.
I know he always tried to take care of us and once again, I find that he did a very brave thing to provide for us what would be needed. This document has eased this difficult time considerably. I'm proud of him for many reasons.
The tea and cookies are helping me to relax. I need to rest soon, to get ready for the gathering in of the family tomorrow.
Good-night
Words of Advice
I'm telling my son that I find comfort in routine. I'm having difficulty because I can't run my routine.
My son tells me, "Now you must develop new routines. You will find comfort in new routines."
My son is right. I shall develop new routines till I can get back to more familiar ones. If ever.
Morning Thoughts
It's raining again, or still. It rained much of yesterday. The temperature was mild and though the wind picked up a lot last night, the temperature didn't drop much. It's very dark this morning and I'm not sure what's going on outside my door. As it gets light, I'll be checking to see if branches came down during the night. It was that kind of wind.
The doctor is tweaking my husband's pain meds, trying to get the right balance between enough for the pain but not enough to have him in confusion. He's having a hard time to communicate his whole thoughts. They fly away and leave him surprised that he can't finish what he's saying. "I think it's very wise to...," he started but then tapered off, leaving the sentence unfinished. Or, "Can you describe for me . . ." We hope the pain meds will be just right this morning.
His roommate is from nearby. He's as sick as my husband is and is in for the same reason, dehydration, but for a different kind of cancer. His doctor said he may go home this afternoon, but he'll probably go right back to the same pattern of not being able to eat and slip back into dehydration. Cancer is such a viciious enemy.
I've been up for an hour. I'm hungry for breakfast but I don't really feel like eating. It's weird for me to feel that way. Eating and enjoying food comes from a dominant gene in my family ancestory, through my dad and his mom, but I don't know farther back than that. My mom didn't have this gene. Food wasn't all that important to her. Her appetite was the first to go.
I'll eat breakfast soon. I'll cut up apple and cook it in oatmeal this morning. That sounds pretty good to me. I'll feel like eating soon.
Holding Steady
We got the certificate from the doctor that says my husband must be excused from jury duty at this time. It's really rather funny how some people seem to be more likely to be picked for jury duty. My husband is chosen for jury duty often. Here in PA you don't have to do jury duty for a year or two after serving on one. He is really "lucky" about getting called for jury duty. It happens for him every several years.
Morning Thoughts
I love to feel the renewing of the mind and spirit that I usually find in the morning after a good night's rest, even if I went to bed late the night before. Rest is such a restorative.
This morning, my body is feeling restoration. My mind is a little calmer, but I'm really feeling deep concern about my husband now. He had to be admitted to hospital yesterday afternoon. He was dehydrating and his pain was getting worse. It was hard to leave him last night about 8:15. It felt wrong to come home without him.
Late last night I was reminded that my husband has been called to jury duty in January. He won't be able to do it. I'll have to send that documentation to them today. There's many little things that have to be dealt with.
It's raining again this morning. A cold, steady rain is coming down. It must be hard on the kids going to school right now. It's time for me to get my day started.
Advent Message
Many beautiful and expensive gifts will be found under the Christmas tree this season. The strange thing about these delightful presents is that many of them will be completely forgotten in five years or less. We shop for them with great care and much thought but they just don't last.
I have given my own children many intriguing gifts and I have found that they soon outgrew clothing and toys which had been special at one time. Many gifts have been worn out with much use.
When they talk about memories, they seldom mention the material gifts which they have received. Instead, they say something like, "Remember when we . . ." and talk about things that we did,--experiences which we shared.
This Christmas, try to share a happening with those loved ones on your gift list. An unhurried and relaxed visit may mean a lot to some older folks. Remembering a wish that someone expressed, or noticing a need that a person might have is also a gift of yourself.
The Wisemen came from afar, visiting the Christ-child, bringing their gifts with them. It was a long journey, involving a great amount of time. But they didn't send their servants with the gift and the message. They went to present their gifts in person. It was a gift of themselves.
They did give expensive gifts which may have been used to finance the trip to Egypt which became necessary. But long after the expensive gifts were gone, Mary savored the memory of those important visitors who came from afar to give of themselves, --a gift of love.
A Letter From Mom
My mom was always a powerhouse of energy, all through my growing up years and long after I was a mother of four. I never had th